There’s a special place in hell reserved for those addicted to making New Year’s resolutions. But they get to ride those who make resolutions for other people like ponies over the flaming hot coals of eternity.
People like, oh, say, BetaNews’s Ed Oswald.
And here the Macalope thought Joe Wilcox was the only one at BetaNews who should have the keys to the Internet taken away from him for writing under the influence of… well, something. Mescaline? Floor wax, Screaming Yellow Zonkers, and a blow to the head as a child? We won’t know for sure until the toxicology report is back.
Actually, truth be told, until now the Macalope had never read anything at BetaNews by anyone other than Wilcox. He thought maybe Joe was the sole writer, emerging each morning from an isolation tank brimming with his patented mix of bourbon and more bourbon, before sitting down to key complete insanity.
But apparently writing dumb things about Apple is more than a one-man job.
Oswald’s list is another vanity construction, more about the author’s attempts to show how smart he is than it is about Apple. And yet it features the same tired arguments you’ll find being barfed onto the Internet by any number of these screaming New Year’s revelers (“YOU KNOW WHAT APPLE NEEDSH TA DO? I’LL TELL YOU WHAT APPLE NEEDSH TA DO…”), drunk on conventional wisdom.
Apple needs 4G! It needs a 7-inch iPad! The iPhone needs a new form factor! The iPad needs to be cheaper! And what’s with all the lawsuits?!
Rather than deconstruct this nonsense in his usual inimitable fashion, the Macalope will make one suggestion for Apple:
Keep doing what you’re doing.
Yes, there are things the Macalope could quibble over—App Store rules, security policy, the Tuesday menu at Caffe Macs—but there’s little denying that Apple is, you know, doing pretty well. And there’s a reason that the people who are running Apple are running Apple and making millions of dollars and we’re writing for the Web.
Well, at least no one will accuse us of just doing it for the money.
[Editors’ Note: Each week the Macalope skewers the worst of the week’s coverage of Apple and other technology companies. In addition to being a mythical beast, the Macalope is not an employee of Macworld. As a result, the Macalope is always free to criticize any media organization. Even ours.]