The Macalope Daily: All over but the failing

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Prior to Wednesday’s Apple event, a lot of people were falling over themselves to declare the new iPad a failure before it was even announced. In other words, it was business as usual.

It’s quite a feat, writing a review of something you haven’t seen, but that doesn’t stop some people. In this dog-eat-dog world of Internet publishing, expectations are high. Almost as high as the people writing the stories.

Still, this has been going on for a while. If you recall, people were declaring the iPhone a complete failure before it was announced, too. When you have no self respect and do not garner the respect of others, well, why not? Nothing to lose, really.

Now, when the Macalope said “people” were declaring the new iPad a failure, that was sort of a half-truth. Because one of these “pundits” was Rob Enderle and, if we’re being technical, Rob is actually some kind of mold.

Rob keyed not just one but at least two pieces of “commentary” that the Macalope saw before he had to douse his eyes with industrial-strength fire-fighting foam. As usual, neither of these sites felt that their readers needed to know that Rob’s up to his mustache in conflicts of interest when it comes to Apple.

Oh, the Macalope could link to some of these pieces to provide examples of what he’s talking about, but do we really want to encourage that kind of behavior? The Macalope says no.

Seriously, these pieces are like Mad Libs:

Apple’s new _____ is a modest upgrade that has many who were hoping for more disappointed. Sure, the Apple fanbois will buy it, but Apple has failed to keep up with the state of the _____ market. For example, just the other day at the _____ conference, _____ unveiled a _____ with a _____-inch screen and _____ with _____ that come flying out of the sides and _____ with _____ and _____ the _____ by _____ing the _____ with _____s and it has a stylus. While it doesn’t get good battery life, Apple will have to respond to this threat as _____ Analysts projects _____ will sell literally dozens of units of these devices.

John Gruber and MG Siegler both provided their takes on this jacktastic phenomenon. That is, if you really want to feel compelled to click through to pieces that will have you jamming satay skewers into your ears, just to make the hurting stop.

As for the Macalope, he’d rather spend his time relentlessly hitting refresh on the Apple Store page, hoping to actually have the chance to order one of these gigantic fails.

Which is good because that’s exactly what he did yesterday.

[Editors’ Note: In addition to being a mythical beast, the Macalope is not an employee of Macworld. As a result, the Macalope is always free to criticize any media organization. Even ours.]

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