The Macalope Daily: Very surprising results

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We’ve been through this enough times now to see a distinct pattern.

1. Apple announces product.

2. Some pundits praise it, others claim it’s a niche product that will only do well with the Apple zombies (all 900 million of them) and say that reasonable people should wait four years until Microsoft or Google comes out with something similar.

3. The device launches and it’s awesome, but has some minor issues that pundits slap “-gate” onto, and which they suggest spell doom for the device.

4. The device is wildly successful because, despite the minor issues, it’s way better than anything else in its category. Pundits feel this validates their “Apple zombies” theory.

5. Repeat.

The last two times, of course, there was an added nuance to the pattern, which was how these minor issues were all because of Steve Jobs’s death and only a clever pundit can see Apple’s impending decline in the chicken entrails, not you mindless slaves of Infinite Loop.

Take for instance Brooke Crothers, who writes:

There are a few troubling technical aspects of the new iPad that give me pause about the post-Jobs Apple.

Crothers lists the fact that the new iPad is slightly thicker than its predecessor, that the chip isn’t faster than it is, and that the battery is bigger but doesn’t offer more life (even though it powers the Retina display and LTE connectivity), and wants you to give him a “D”! Give him an “O”! Give him another “O”! Give him an “M”! What does it spell?! DOOM!

He’s obviously not the only pundit who found the iPhone 4S and the new iPad “troubling.” Somehow, though, owners of these devices have failed to get the memo full of conventional pundit wisdom.

Yes, in another sign of how powerful the reality distortion rays emanating from Cupertino are, a whopping 98 percent of new iPad owners are satisfied with the device (tip o’ the antlers to the Loop). And 82 percent of those owners described themselves as very satisfied, an increase of 8 percent over the previous generation. Only 2 percent were somewhat unsatisfied, with none very unsatisfied.

Haven’t these people heard of Heatgate?!

Even Consumer Reports, which jumped on Heatgate like a Tumblr user on an adorable cat picture, has now given the new iPad top marks (tip o’ the antlers to 9to5Mac).

Despite the very definitive pattern of wrongness, expect this to repeat itself for, oh, let’s say “ever.”

[Editors’ Note: In addition to being a mythical beast, the Macalope is not an employee of Macworld. As a result, the Macalope is always free to criticize any media organization. Even ours.]

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