The Macalope Daily: Reasonable expectations

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When we last heard from Mashable editor in chief Lance Ulanoff, he was chastising Apple for not wasting its money on a Super Bowl ad. What’s he up to now? Why, setting unreasonable expectations for CEO Tim Cook’s chat with Walt Mossberg at the All Things D conference on Tuesday.

“7 Things Tim Cook Might Say at D10” (tip o’ the antlers to Shawn King)

Not surprisingly, what Ulanoff has actually written is a list of 7 things Tim Cook would never say in a million years.

Will he signal a shocking new direction for the company?

No, he won’t!

Maybe he’ll show off that new stylus the company just tried to patent.

Sure. Right after he shows a new build of Copland.

The possibilities are endless.

No, they aren’t! Ulanoff’s zero for three, and we haven’t even gotten to his list yet. That’s a feat the Macalope’s not sure he’s seen before, and he’s seen a lot of lousy list-based punditry.

One gets the impression that Ulanoff has never watched an Apple executive appear at an event before. Which is not a good basis from which to make predictions about what an Apple executive appearing at an event might say. Other companies’ executives use industry conferences to announce things, but Apple executives don’t. They don’t have to or want to. When the company is ready to announce something, it throws its own event and has the press attend. It’s one of the benefits of being Apple.

1) “I give you the iPhone 5″

Not unless it’s followed shortly thereafter by the word “Psych!”

This is the dream of not only every single Apple fanatic…

No, actually, it’s not. It’s their nightmare! Why? Because it would mean that Tim Cook has gone completely insane.

On the other hand, Apple is not in the habit of introducing major products at non-Apple events…

If you mean it has never introduced major products at non-Apple events since leg warmers were in style then, yes, it is not in the habit of doing that.

2) “Under that fabric is the new Apple iTV”

“Psych! Oh, man, I can’t believe you fell for it again!”

3) This is Apple 2.0

“And this is a monkey in a fez smoking a cigarette. The monkey is now in charge of Apple. And he has a penchant for white papers and Lotus Notes.”

4) We’re pleased to introduce iTunes with Facebook integration.

This isn’t necessarily a bad idea but, again, what part of “Apple does not make announcements at other people’s events” does Ulanoff not understand?

5) This is the iPad Mini, and it’s amazing

“And this is mescaline. It is also amazing. And I did a mess of it before coming on stage.”

Surprisingly, “iCar” is not on Ulanoff’s list. Reading these other items, the Macalope is really not sure why; Ulanoff seems to be just throwing up every current Apple unicorn onto the page. Probably this was just an oversight.

6) Our fight is not with Samsung and HTC, it’s with Google

Have you seen some of the Samsung phones? The Macalope assures you, Lance, their fight is with all three of them.

7) Thanks for having me, Walt.

Cook could end up talking about Apple in ultra-broad strokes and leave nothing on the table for reporters except scraps. This is also unlikely.

The most likely thing on Ulanoff’s list is “unlikely.” Of course, this entire exercise is surely just a setup for Ulanoff’s next piece: “Tim Cook disappoints at All Things D conference.” Looking forward to it, Lance!

[Editors’ Note: In addition to being a mythical beast, the Macalope is not an employee of Macworld. As a result, the Macalope is always free to criticize any media organization. Even ours.]

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