The Macalope Daily: Acquisition fetishism

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No matter how little it makes sense, technology industry “analysts” will always bust out their tired, wooden acquisition fantasy porn. Like real porn, the motivation behind it is silly and unrealistic and the whole point is just to titillate the viewer.

So put some bad jazz music on, close the shades, and read on... if you dare.

Years ago the fantasies all revolved around Apple getting acquired. Now people are running around trying to figure out how Apple can use all that money it’s made on a checkout line impulse buy.

Facebook’s less-than-spectacular IPO has Business Insider’s Owen Thomas musing that “If Facebook Gets Any Cheaper Apple Needs To Buy It” (no link for Business Insider’s multiple crimes against humanity, common sense, and basic decency).

The logic is obvious: Apple sucks at building social Web services, as CEO Tim Cook acknowledged earlier this week at the D10 conference.

It needs to keep developers of iPhone and iPad apps happy—appmakers are a key part of the value of Apple’s mobile franchise.

Yes, Ping is a failure. And somehow iOS still seems to be the preferred platform for developers, despite the fevered dreams of Eric Schmidt. The Macalope really isn’t sure how buying Facebook would make iOS developers happy. Thomas never gets real specific with this, he just says that Apple sucks at social, Facebook is good at social, so Apple should dump more than half of its $110 billion in cash on them because blaggity bliggity bluh bluh.

Cook made conciliatory noises about working with Facebook at D10. But realistically, the only way Apple and Facebook, both of which zealously guard their power to shape users’ experiences, are going to strike a deal is if they’re under the same roof.

It seems that MG Siegler—who, unlike Business Insider, has a pretty good track record—apparently disagrees.

After much speculation, Facebook integration will indeed be baked into the latest version of iOS, we’ve learned.

Well, here’s hoping Apple doesn’t run out and buy Facebook before it finds out if its already going to be integrated in iOS 6. Because that seems like a waste of money.

In Thomas’s defense, Apple buying Facebook only makes no sense, while suggesting Apple buy Yahoo—as Eric Jackson did back in February writing for Forbes—makes negative sense.

Big acquisitions are messy, expensive and risky. Despite the fetishes of randy analysts to the contrary, don’t expect Apple to pick up the hitchhiking team of cheerleaders or answer the door for the buff pizza delivery guy.

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