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It’s Friday, so it’s time for another self-important bit of foppery from a pundit threatening to leave Apple!

Writing for our friends at Business Insider (no link), Kevin Smith lists “6 Things The iPhone 5 Must Have Or I’m Switching To Android.” And if you guessed that it’s another nauseating, ad-impression-maximizing slide show, that just means that you, like the Macalope, have seen too many of these things.

As thing stands right now, the iPhone feels stale. If Apple doesn’t add these simple improvements then I’m switching to Android and not looking back.

Just go already. This list is not a comprehensive list of differences, it’s just your personal six hot buttons. No one cares about your turn-ons and turn-offs. Seriously. We will put together a collection to get you the 99 cents it’ll take to get an Android phone if you’ll promise to never write about Apple again.

Unfortunately, you won’t do that, because pageviews.

Show me exactly how much data I am using without having to download an app.

OK, look, we’ll even chip in for you to buy a few new apps. How’s that?

Make it easier for me to type

While both iPhone and Android keyboards can help predict what you’re trying to type, I prefer the way Android gives you multiple options for what it thinks you’re trying to say.

Then why aren’t you using it now? Why are you using an iPhone?

Oh, you mean there are things you like about the iPhone more than Android that aren’t on this list of self-righteous rants? Go figure.

Give me some of Siri’s features offline

None of these items are going to be added to iOS 6 or the iPhone 5 at the last minute and you know that. So what’s the point of this charade? Oh, right. Self-aggrandizement and pointless, one-sided Apple bashing. Got it.

Make notifications better

You strike a hard bargain, Kevin, but … all of your apps. We’ll pay to replace all of your iOS apps on Android.

(That’s actually a negotiating trick on the Macalope’s part because there’s no way most of his iOS apps are available for Android.)

Make Maps available offline

Forty dollars. The Macalope will personally pay you forty dollars cash to just go and never come back.

Let me unzip files directly on my device

Well, that was a terrific exercise in one-sided arguing. Thanks for the object lesson, Kevin. If that kind of pointless obsession over single features at the expense of the overall user experience is your way of judging a platform, then you should feel right at home with Android.

[Editors’ Note: In addition to being a mythical beast, the Macalope is not an employee of Macworld. As a result, the Macalope is always free to criticize any media organization. Even ours.]

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