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CNNMoney's David Goldman has seen the Apple future, and it is available today from Microsoft!

According to Goldman, Microsoft already makes something with the features of the rumored Apple television (tip o' the antlers to Jim Plachy).

Wait, wait, wait. David Goldman. David Goldman. Why does that name ring a bell of ridiculousness in the Macalope's furry head?

Ohhh, yeah. Probably because he was the guy who said Apple needed to "kill it with the iPad 2 event" because competitors like the Motorola Xoom were giving the iPad a "run for its money."

He said that. He really did. The Macalope gets the feeling that sometimes people think he makes up the stupid things these pundits say, but the sad reality is that he's never had to.

If that wasn't weapons-grade dumb enough for you, Goldman also warned back in 2010 that Apple had "lost touch with its customer base."


Anyway, he continues to be employed by CNNMoney to write about technology.

[sad trombone]

If you're longing impatiently for the much-hyped features of Apple's rumored new TV, you don't have to wait. They're already here.

Buh? The Macalope's wondering how anyone could say that when we don't have the slightest idea of what an Apple TV would look like. But now he remembers who's writing this piece so let's just continue.

Microsoft's Xbox Live service already does what Apple is reportedly negotiating with the cable companies to pull off.

Oh, no! Then why is Apple even bothering?!

The company has 40 million Xbox Live customers, while Apple has sold fewer than 10 million Apple TVs.

Microsoft has 40 million Xbox Live subscribers, which anyone can become for free just by owning Windows, an Xbox or maybe even one of Steve Ballmer's sweaty old shirts.

With Xbox Live, Microsoft hasn't tried to outshine its partners.

Don't make the sum greater than the parts! Just make it equal to them! There's a recipe for a winner of a product.

According to Goldman, you can get all the features of the rumored Apple television right now with the Xbox Live. The only difference is that Microsoft played softball with the cable companies while Apple will play hardball in order to get a better experience for its customers. So, he admits, they're really not the same at all.

Wow, this has been a pretty quick journey from the lede to here, hasn't it? The Macalope thinks he may have gotten whiplash.

Pundits, no one knows what an Apple television will look like yet. Please stop trying to review it or compare it to existing products.

[Editors’ Note: In addition to being a mythical beast, the Macalope is not an employee of Macworld. As a result, the Macalope is always free to criticize any media organization. Even ours.]

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