Just because they rule over their own Silicon Valley fiefdom doesn’t mean they’re not prone to the same introspection and desire for self-improvement that regular folks experience every New Year’s Day. So, we thought we’d ask some of the top names in high tech what their New Year’s resolutions are. Unfortunately, nobody returned our calls. But if they
, we think we have a pretty good idea of what they’d say.
Apple industrial design team leader
: I resolve to create a rhombus-shaped, magenta-colored Mac the size of a thimble. And the processor will be powered entirely by steam.
Dell Computer CEO
: I resolve to build a revolutionary, new cube-shaped computer this year.
: This year, I resolve to build something new and revolutionary like a cube-shaped computer.
Compaq Computer CEO
: My resolution? I’d like to do something new and revolutionary. Maybe a cube-shaped computer.
: The next time Steve Jobs starts telling me about the cube-shaped computer he’s working on, I resolve to quietly disconnect his phone and quickly lock him in his office.
: I resolve to spend 2001 counting all of my money. And then, when I’m finished, I promise to count it all again.
America Online CEO
: After a prosperous 2000 in which AOL purchased Time Warner, I hope to spend 2001 buying whatever companies I do not already own.
: I resolve to make it through 2001 without getting sued.
The Backstreet Boys,
: This year, we resolve to sue Napster.
: I resolve to dramatically expand Amazon’s business to include the sale of groceries, manufacturing equipment, mail-order brides, and plutonium. I resolve to report losses in the tens of millions of dollars. And do you know what? My company’s share price will
Bwah ha ha ha ha!
: This year, I vow to use my vast fortune for good instead of evil and to
. . . .
Aw, who am I kidding? First thing tomorrow morning, I’m buying France.
: To make this planet a better place in 2001, I resolve to beat out Bill Gates on the world’s richest man list.
: This year, I resolve never to raise my voice at my underlings unless it’s absolutely necessary. And I won’t let the world’s constant revolutions around me distract me anymore.
Apple senior vice president of software engineering
: When Steve calls this year to ask me to change “one more thing” on OS X, I resolve not to break down weeping until after he’s left the room.