iPod U2 and the number of the beast

Here is wisdom. He who has understanding, let him calculate the number of the beast, for it is the number of a man. His number is six hundred sixty-six. Revelation 13:18

Well, it looks like this may be my last blog entry, what with the Apocolypse scheduled for 6:06PM today. (My understanding is that in order to make this fair, this will be a rolling Apocolypse—once that hits each time zone as it strikes the fateful hour and minute. Depending on where you live, you might want to schedule your more important meetings for earlier in the day.) It’s been great, but when your time is up, it’s up—everybody out of the pool.

Generally I don’t buy into this kind of wackiness—marketers who time the release of horror movie remakes and the ramblings of sociopaths don’t scare me. But Apple did something today that’s tipped the balance and put the fear of You Know Who in me.

Yes, I’m talking about the return—nay, the resurrection —of the iPod U2 Special Edition.

The new/old iPod’s demonic clickable “red eye” and shiny black back (and do I detect a hint of sulfur emanating from the dock connector port?) were clues, but I wasn’t about to scrape the couch’s crannies for indulgence money on such weak evidence. Exploring the case more closely, however, revealed the device’s ominous promise.

Scan the back of this iPod and you’ll find the signatures of the band’s four members — Bono, The Edge, Adam Clayton, and Larry Mullen Jr. Innocent enough, but let’s run the numbers —the number of letters that comprise each member’s name.

Bono = 4 The Edge = 7 Adam Clayton = 11 Larry Mullen Jr = 13

Total = 35

The number 35 seems safe, but there are wheels within wheels here. Why would anyone feel it necessary to add the “Jr” to Larry Mullen’s name? Are we really likely to confuse Mr. Mullen with a father who, conceivably, bashed the skins on the Dublin pub circuit in 1964?

Hardly.

The two-letter “Jr” is meant to be a multiplier, as in Larry Mullen times two. Subtract the Jr from the total —35 – 2 —and you arrive at 33. Use the Jr 2x multiplier and what do you get?

66.

I mean, how much more obvious must it be?

And look at the Apple Store phone number:

800-692-7753

Add these numbers and you get 47. Add 4 + 7 and you get 11. Multiply 11 by today’s date?

66!

Spooky.

Bono’s given name is Paul Hewson. Count all the letters in the name plus the space between:

11 again!

One more clue. With the new iPod U2 Special Edition now in the line up, add the total capacities of all currently shipping iPods (excluding the 512MB shuffle).

U2 (30GB) + 5G iPods (60GB + 30GB) + iPod nano (4GB + 2GB + 1GB) + iPod shuffle (1GB) = 128GB. Add 1 + 2 + 8 =

11!!!

I don’t know about you, but I plan to spend the rest of my day doing good deeds. Should I fail to walk that last crucial old lady across the street, I guess I’ll see you in hell.