Time, as an irritating villain once famously said, is the fire in which we burn. Unless you, like me, work from home, in which case time is more like the microwave in which we burn our popcorn and accidentally set fire to the kitchen when we forget to take the aluminum foil off our leftovers. Hypothetically speaking, of course.
Today we look at time from a few different angles, including the all-too-literal constraints of the daily routine, a blast from the technological past, and as for the wristphone, well, it’s about time , isn’t it?
Having trouble getting out of the bed in the morning? The Dark Lord of the Sith can fix that for you. See, ever since that last Star Wars prequel came out, he hasn’t been able to get work (it’s hard for an agent to sell him to studios after the whole “Noooooooooooo!” incident). So Mister Vader has been filling his spare hours with the odd jobs, including a stint on
this fabulous alarm clock.
As befits a Dark Jedi, this clock is state of the art, using a sophisticated system of lasers (or, er, red lights) to project the current time and Darth Vader’s name on the ceiling. Why Darth Vader’s name? So you remember who’s watching you. Seriously; this is possibly the most effective alarm clock ever , if only because I’m not sure I’ll be able to fall asleep with Darth Vader staring at me. Ever again.
The clock ships in October, and will cost you $29.99. Part of which, don’t forget, goes to rehabilitating Lord Vader’s career (that asthma medication isn’t cheap, you know, and the armor could use a nice buffing).
Earlier this year I sprained my ankle and thought about picking up a cane for the duration of my rehabilitation. The problem? None of them were just pimpin’ enough. Sure, you can get the rubber-tipped grandpa cane, or even a few that are designed to look like the heads of animals (and who doesn’t want a duck cane?). But where’s the functionality ? The sword-canes of yore? What has happened to the advances in cane technology?
Take, for example,
this vintage 1940 cane, presented to attendees of the American Legion National Convention in my hometown of Boston. Not only did it help those distinguished gentlemen keep their balance, but it also include a roll-out map of the city (never mind that said map is virtually useless sixty-seven years later, due to the myriad technological “improvements” of our fair town). Brilliant, right? Compact, and yet the information is right there at your fingertips. Really, it’s like the iPhone of the 1940s. And let’s see you use the iPhone to help you walk on that sprained ankle, smarty.
So how about it, cane makers? Can we see some more featureful walking sticks, please? Perhaps one that incorporates, I don’t know, a speakerphone . Or some sort of iPod connectivity. That’s always a hit. I hear Darth Vader is available for endorsements.
SCI FI Tech ]
Like many gadget aficionados, I’ve long lusted over a Dick Tracy-style watch phone. Rather than having to remember in which of my myriad pockets I’ve stashed my handset, I merely turn to the wrist at hand (which I rarely misplace). There have been some contenders in the past few years but most suffered from being underpowered.
Prepare to be amazed , then, by the
IMOBILE Flying C1000. This nifty watch packages a 176 x 220 touchscreen, Bluetooth technology, a GSM phone, and 60MB of built-in memory into a device that’s roughly the size of a Fiat Uno and can play back your MP4 videos at qualities that probably range from postage-stamp to 1950s era television. There’s also a USB port, presumably for charging and data transfer, and a handy little stylus so you can relive the glory days of the Newton MessagePad.
I’d love to be able to tell you more: how much it costs and when it will be available, but that information is strictly confidential . The only thing that can be confirmed for certain is that you will look totally awesome with your new watch and you will never ever be beat up again. Probably.
As tempted as I am to end this week’s installment by saying that it’s all we have time for, I think that might perhaps make me want to punch myself in the face. So we’ll just say see you next week.