Gadgetry here, gadgetry there, gadgetry everywhere . Technology pervades every facet of our lives these days, from music to the kitchen to the bathroom. And you know what? Sometimes I wish it would stop, well, pervading quite so much. Sometimes I just want to sit down with a library book, blissfully ignorant of the fact that it’s overdue by two days. But no, I have to get an e-mail in my inbox reminding me that I haven’t returned it, despite the fact that I’m only halfway through. I bet cavemen don’t have this problem. Heck, they’ve got their own sitcom, so their life must be footloose and fancy free .
But just try living without any of today’s latest gizmos, like a $35,000 piano to end all pianos, or a razor that always leaves you feeling sunny, or even a state-of-the-art cutting-edge solution to one of the world’s most tragic culinary problems.
Far be it from me to toot my own horn—or, in this case, my own C major 7th chord—but among the many things you may not know about me is that I am a virtuoso pianist. Admittedly, I use the term “virtuoso” in its archaic lesser known meaning of “barely knowledgeable.” But if a musician is really only as good as his instrument, then Yamaha’s
Disklavier IV would truly bring out the best in me.
The Disklavier comes in a slick black package that would make Vladimir Horowitz drool. You can tickle the ivories or, even more impressively, have the ivories tickle themselves without your intervention (my preferred method of playing) by invoking the player piano functionality. And if your neighbors start to complain, the Disklavier can act as a digital piano—just plug in a pair of headphones, and you can jam away silently, with the added benefit of looking utterly ridiculous.
Not enough for you? How about the ability to stream music off the Internet? Amaze your friends and family by performing an entire symphony with just a piano . They say the way to Carnegie Hall is practice, practice, practice, but I’m hoping that shelling out for a $35,000 piano and taking a limo will get me there too.
Everybody knows that a beard is a rugged sign of distinction and manliness. Just ask any of the notable hirsute gentlemen that adorn history: Moses, Karl Marx, Groucho Marx . I’m sure the members of the UK’s
Beard Liberation Front would back me up here.
But sure, some prefer the clean-shaven look. Okay, it’s a matter of preference, even if their preference is dead wrong . And it’s bad for the Earth, too: Think of the materials and energy wasted with constant shaving. Sure, if they had a
Solar Power Sol Razor, it wouldn’t be so bad. This puppy can charge via an integrated solar panel, providing enough juice to give you a nice trim. You just have to leave your razor out in the sun all day, something which no doubt even most of those clean-shaven folks can manage. Plus, I’m informed that this is the perfect “makes a great gift idea for the man who has everything.” Everything, that is, except a beard .
But should you wish to give the gift of a bare, hairless, unnatural face, you can find the Sol Razor for about $60. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you when they get laughed out of the next annual BLF ice cream social.
SCI FI Tech ]
There are a lot of tragedies in the world: underfunded education, rising energy costs, and the preponderance of reality television. But among the worst problems confronted by every man, woman, and child is the all-too serious issue of cereal that gets soggy in milk. Yes, even after the development of the so-called Crispix Matrix Technology, sogginess is still a very real predicament for cereal-lovers everywhere.
And so, my nomination for the Nobel Prize in Physics—never mind
those spintronics guys —the inventors of the
eatmecrunchy bowl. The clever engineering secret behind the bowl involves a revolutionary shelf that covers roughly 70 percent of the bowl’s base. Pour your cereal of choice—I’m a Cheerios traditionalist—and milk into the bowl. The milk filters down into the bottom compartment, keeping the two separated and letting you decide your own rate of cereal-milk mixture. That’s right: the eatmecrunchy bowl puts control of breakfast back into your hands.
Best of all, the eatmecrunchy bowl is a steal at just £3.95 (just $8!). Just think: if everybody bought one, within 10 years, cereal sogginess could be wiped off the face of the Earth forever. Our children might never know what it’s like to eat a mushy cornflake. We can do this, people .
That’s all we have time for this week, but next Wednesday we shall return with more innovative gizmos for your consumption. See you then.