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Someone alert eWeek’s Don Reisinger! Business Insider is totally stealing his shtick!

Reisinger, as the Macalope’s sophisticated and virile readers know, is the king of slideshow list format. It’s a small and insipid kingdom, but what do you rule, huh?

Now Business Insider’s Dylan Love brings us “9 Android Features That Blow iPhone Out Of The Water” (no link, naturally).

Just nine? Where’s the tenth? Come on, that’s just leaving money on the table.

By the way, if your iPhone’s in the water, the warranty is already voided. So …

Expandable storage

If your iPhone is filled with files, you’re out of luck.

Right, you know how your iPhone gets “filled with files.” Like your college term papers and that journal of all your thoughts.

It’s true that you can get Android phones with expandable storage and you can’t get an iPhone with that. It’s also true that most people really don’t care.

Maps that don’t suck

BOO-YAH! Way to keep it fresh, Dylan.

No “walled garden”

You don’t have that in the Android ecosystem! And, before you complain, a cesspool does qualify as an ecosystem.

Choose your default apps for Web browsing, email, and more

If that is the most important thing to you, then go into the Android light and be at peace.

No. Go. Go on. No, you can’t have better apps, the best built hardware, and a host of other iPhone advantages you won’t see on this list. You made your choice. Beat it.

Support for multiple app stores.

Double dipping! That’s covered in “Walled garden”! Dude, Reisinger practically invented padding a list by mentioning essentially the same thing two different ways as separate items! Sue this guy blind, Don!

Multiple hardware choices

Indeed. You can either have the best hardware, or you can choose between a bunch of lesser options. Take your pick!

Standard cables and dock connections

There’s no goofy Lightning connector in the Android world.

The Lightning connector is just goofy! You can’t deny that, Apple jerks! Sure it allows for thinner hardware and can be plugged in either way, but it’s still goofy! Why, it even looks like it’s grinning at you! Ha-ha! Always … grinning … at … you …

Android widgets are better

Well, seeing as iOS doesn’t have widgets, that would seem self-evident.

Better integration with Google services

No. Way.

And that’s it. But the iPhone? Totally blown out of the water.

“Preposterous! Nay, ludicrous!”, you say, as you have always fancied yourself a 19th century airship captain. “This rapscallion has not mentioned even one of the iPhone’s many advantages over Android!”

‘Tis true, Captain Leopold von Cornhusker (?). But never fear! For Business Insider also has a list of the top ten reasons why iOS blows Android out of the water! (Presumably all that’s left in the water now is Windows Phone and Blackberry.)

See, they don’t really care which one is better, they just want to show you multiple ads while you read zero pieces of useful content. Is that asking too much?

Well, whatever that case, the Macalope would like to let Reisinger know that he’s happy to be an expert witness for the prosecution in Reisinger v. Business Insider. Don’t let them get away with it, Don! It’s your core competency!

[Editors’ Note: In addition to being a mythical beast, the Macalope is not an employee of Macworld. As a result, the Macalope is always free to criticize any media organization. Even ours.]

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