The Macalope Daily: Creepy


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If it’s Friday, it must be time for another pompous and ridiculous break-up note to Apple.

Welcome Huffington Post’s Benedict Cooper to the pantheon of freaking weirdos who find this trite, over-used contrivance adorable and clever.

“Dear iPhone… Breaking Up Is Tough” (tip o’ the antlers to Harry Marks)

Not as tough as reading this ridiculousness:

Dear iPhone,

“Dear Internet gasbags: stop writing to devices as if they were people. It’s dumb and kinda creepy. Sincerely, everyone.”

I think we both know things haven’t been great for a while now.

Because you have the emotional capacity of a thirteen-year-old who writes break-up notes to electronic devices?

I REALLY don’t like the way you try to guess what I’m thinking when I write texts.

REALLY HE DOESN’T. The Macalope would suggest turning off auto-correct and/or creating your own shortcuts, but we’re pretty far beyond reasonable suggestions and into teen romance, here.

You often cut me off when I’m in a conversation with my friends which really gets on my nerves, or don’t let them hear what I’m saying.

Which couldn’t have anything to do with your carrier.

I’m probably being paranoid but sometimes I feel like you don’t really want me to talk to anyone else but you.

Paranoid, delusional—let’s not quibble over technicalities.

I didn’t want this to get angry and bitter …

Weird, sure. But not angry and bitter.

… but I think it’s just partly because you are so bloody smug, when I know you have a lot of problems deep down.

As opposed to someone who psychoanalyzes a smartphone.

I don’t think I could hear the phrase ‘Apples are just better’ one more time …

Are you sure the person who said that wasn’t actually talking about fruit? Because no self-respecting Apple fan calls the company’s products “Apples.”

You insist everyone worships you …

♫ Because it’s a re-li-gion! ♫

I’ve got to tell you the truth, I’ve hooked up with something else, last week.

That’s cool, Ben, because while you were out clumsily putting the moves on a giant hunk o’ Samsung, the iPhone was busy doing America.

I can’t lie, I just find it more attractive and exciting, and it lets me do things I never could with you.

So very, very weird.

Ben xx

See, it’s a break-up note.

To a phone.

Yeah, the Macalope doesn’t get it, either.

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