The Macalope knows how it is. It’s the holidays and people get “festive” and they start drinking at daybreak and then they realize they have to write something and they’re soused but still sit down in front of a keyboard and bang something out. But that’s no excuse for these three pieces.
No links, if only because good taste demands it.
Let’s rip this off like a Band-Aid and get started with the worst of the bunch. Joe Wilcox, despite having “left” Apple, still somehow can’t seem to quit Apple. To salvage those flagging holiday Web traffic numbers this week, Joe keyed “An Apple Christmas Carol” (tip o’ the antlers to Paul Baptist) over at can-never-seem-to-get-out-of BetaNews.
Not surprisingly, The Ghost of Steve Jobs appears thrice to spew Wilcox’s notions of what’s wrong with Apple. It’s dull, it’s painful, it’s an over-used plot device, let’s move on.
CNet’s Chris Matyszczyk checks in with another piece that is, the Macalope guesses, somehow supposed to be funny.
“A troubling promise in iPad Mini’s new Xmas ad” (tip o’ the antlers to Brad Skidmore).
Oh, dear me, my stars and garters, ah do declare, how could Apple’s delightful new ad be troubling, please enlighten us, Chrissssnnnzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…
Then the song takes a turn for the worse. For she sings that she’ll be home for Xmas “if only in her dreams.”
Granddad doesn’t seem to register this nuance. He’s too busy being charmed. But the truth seems to be that the little girl isn’t going to be seeing Granddad for Xmas.
Uh, which, of course, is the whole point of the song, which was written in 1943 as a touching and sentimental tribute to all the soldiers fighting in World War II who would not, in fact, be home for Christmas. Surely Matyszczyk knows this. The adorable and precocious ukelele girl knows it. The grandfather certainly knows it (having seen action in Grenada). Apple most definitely knows it.
Which is Matyszczyk’s delightful joke. Maybe? It’s hard to tell. But it sure is delightful and sardonic. Or something.
What’s not hard to tell is why the Boy Genius Report published this last piece.
“Apple Device Theft Drives NYC Crime Rate Up For First Time in 20 Years” (tip o’ the antlers to Lessien).
Apple? Crime? Hello, page views!
Paul Browne, the New York Police Department’s top spokesman told the WSJ, ”Overall crime in the five boroughs is up 3% so far this year, driven by the thefts of Apple products.” Browne said there would actually be a “slight decline in crime citywide” had thefts of Apple products remained the same.
Gosh, highly desired and easily identifiable mobile products are being targeted by thieves? Who would have thought? When will Apple respond by making them lousy, nondescript, and the size of a Buick?
Well, great work, tech pundits (uhnnnnn). Take the rest of the year off.