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Forbes contributor Peter Cohan bangs out the “7 Reasons Apple is More Doomed Than You Think” (tip o’ the antlers to Chris Biele), causing the Macalope to wonder “What is it, exactly, that this slate of ne’er-do-wells is ‘contributing’?”

Also, how could Apple be more doomed than we think?! We already think it’s super doomed to begin with!

Wait, there are different levels of doom? Isn’t doom a line that you cross, not a continuing progression of …

Oh, you know what? What’s the point of arguing with this?

Apple is in the news for losing its rank for a time on Wednesday as the most valuable publicly-traded U.S. stock.

The implication, of course, is that because it’s no longer the most valuable publicly-traded U.S. stock, the company is doomed. There’s “most valuable publicly-traded U.S. stock” and then there’s Loserville, population: Apple.

1. The stock is expensive

Cohan bases this contention on the idea that Apple’s earnings growth is unsure. Why would he think Apple’s earnings growth is unsure? Because:

2. Apple has nothing new in the pipeline

Don’t listen to Tim Cook when he says new products are coming this fall and throughout 2014! What does that guy know? When you want to know about what Apple’s planning, you go to a Forbes contributor! That’s just common sense!

3. Without Jobs, Apple’s management has lost the ability to innovate

How do you know this, oh, mighty oracle?

The absence of innovative products from Apple since Jobs died is compelling proof that his team is not able to take over where he left off.

Boom! Steve Jobs used to reinvent a market every week! Sometimes he’d reinvent four or five before breakfast! You can’t deny that, Apple fans! Because you can’t argue with crazy people! They’ll just start yelling at you and pulling out their own hair and eating tinfoil!

4. A cheaper iPhone marks the end of Apple’s leadership

Forget the fact that Apple has not announced a cheaper iPhone, let us remember instead that Apple never made any product that was a cheap entry into its ecosystem.

5. Betting on lower expectations is not a good investment strategy

Well, the Macalope isn’t an investment advisor, but he does know a thing or two about the English language and he’ll just point out that “lower” could be “just slightly lower than sky high.”

6. A new TV or wristwatch won’t revive Apple’s growth

These are the market insights that doofuses like Tim Cook are blind to, but are as clear as day to Forbes contributors.

Even if Steve Jobs were still running Apple, I would be skeptical that people would pay a huge price premium to replace their existing TVs or buy a watch when they are already carrying a smart phone that tells them the time.

Because if Apple entered either of those markets, it would surely produce something basically like every existing television or watch. Because that’s so like Apple.

7. Apple is not well-positioned strategically

Apple. Which takes something like two-thirds of the profit in the smartphone business, sells iPads hand over fist, and is the only PC manufacturer able to keep sales flat year-over-year. Apple, which is only the second most valuable publicly-traded U.S. company. That Apple. Not positioned well strategically. This is the Apple we’re talking about.

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