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Ugh, Apple, right? Such losers. First of all, the whole Apple Store experience is so lame and dumb and lame. Second, the iWatch is totally dead, right? And check it out, bros, there’s this survey that says Apple is winning, but we know that means it’s losing because, ugh, such losers.

That thing everyone likes is so dumb

Writing for Huffington Post, Kelly MacLean tells us about “Surviving Apple” (tip o’ the antlers to Neal Pann and Jeff Gamet).

Because it’s such a trial.

An apple is the perfect logo for Mac products: A biblical symbol representing irresistible temptation, sin, and the fall of humanity… there’s even a bite out of it.

Obligatory religious reference? Check.

I approach the monolithic Apple storefront which has more glass and steel than Christian Grey’s apartment …

Buckle up, because this piece is overflowing with pop culture references, like chiggers squirming out of an over-full bag of said chiggers.

A dude stands in front of the sign celebrating his new iPhone by taking the first of eight million selfies. He will no doubt Tweet, Instagram, Snapchat and Facebook this historic moment. #whogivesash**

Why is MacLean at the Apple Store? She has a problem with Siri. Guy standing in front of Apple Store? Not important. Woman going to Apple Store with Siri problem? Yeah, that’s worth 1200 words on “what it all means” on Huffington Post.

… every time I misspell something Siri thinks she’s getting an edukation [sic].


iPhone 5C doesn’t resemble a product made by Apple so much as Fisher Price; Steve Jobs would roll over in his grave.

He would roll over in his grave, except that he’s the same guy who introduced the bondi blue iMac and the iMacs that came in a rainbow of colors and freaking Dalmatian and Flower Power. Other than that, literally death-defying disappointment and anguish.

There’s less standing room in here than a Taylor Swift concert and it’s equally loud.


She’s a classic member of Generation ADD: A group of precocious preschoolers who master the iPad long before they can navigate the potty, googling the Wiggles …


I resisted joining the Apple cult for years …

Obligatory Religious Reference Part II: The Second Coming.

Texts from non-iPhone users come in green, not blue! They label you an uglier color, like a scarlet letter of poverty demarcating the unfortunate souls not wielding an Apple device; Don Draper couldn’t come up with that …


Quite possibly a gift from God Himself, the iPhone …

Obligatory Religious Reference Part III: Back In The Habit.

Now having made it into the store and to the Genius Bar, it’s time to mock the Geniuses!

Hipster prodigy kid wearing skinny jeans and Keds; cool, sophisticated black dude with a halfro; hugely beardy questionable hygiene guy; and a middle-aged square.

What’s the deal with retail workers, huh?!

I get the square. He’s a genius in that if you drop a box of toothpicks he can tell you exactly how many …

Autism is never not hilarious.

I hand him my phone; he studies the cracked screen with zero emotion.

Apple Geniuses, for those of you who weren’t part of the Groundlings and, like MacLean, praised by Jimmy Kimmel and thus don’t know this, are aliens from beyond Uranus.

If you soldier on through MacLean’s riveting recounting of her Genius encounter you will be surprised to reach the end and find that in this entire piece there is not one single Her reference. Come on, Kelly, that’s just leaving money on the table!

Well, maybe not. This is Huffington Post, after all. Maybe she just wrote it for the “exposure.”

More like ‘iFuggetaboutit,’ amirite?

Writing for the inexplicably still in BetaNews, Alan Buckingham declares:

“Forget the iWatch Apple, it’s another race you’ve lost to Android”

Sigh. So many races Apple has lost before they even started.

Apple has rarely been first to market with a product—it did not build the first MP3 player or tablet, but it does have a history of revolutionizing those markets, as it did with the smartphone. There isn’t anything wrong with stepping into an existing market and bringing along fresh and innovative ideas. In fact, it has worked out quite well for the company over the years.

“Mmmyes, it’s done well, considering its limited capacities. Mmmyes.” Is he literally adjusting a monocle while typing that?

However …

Allow me to show you what a loser Apple is.

… more recent history shows that Apple can also lose the markets, as both tablet and smartphone have fallen behind rival Android, which entered the scene later.

Alan has never heard of a thing called “profit share.” Remember when capitalism was about making money? And don’t get the Macalope started on the kids and the way they wear their pants these days, what with their bell bottoms and such.

Openness plays a part in this—a multitude of devices to choose from, along with more customizable options, is a big deal when compared to a closed system with one device released annually.

Price, of course, plays a bigger part, but that doesn’t go toward showing how superfantastic Android is, so we won’t mention that.

But imagine if Apple entered the market after Android.

Android would have looked like Windows Mobile until the iPhone came out.

For a year we have heard rumors of a mythical iWatch—it resides with the iTV and the unicorn for now.

Unlike the Galaxy Gear and Android Wear, which reside with the duck-billed platypus and the spiny echidna. They exist, but nobody keeps one at home.

The problem is, Google has already plunged into the water, announcing its Android Wear last week, along with a list of partners. Two of those hardware makers, Motorola and LG have already announced devices, though availability is still a bit away.

A bit. A few quarters. During which time we assume Apple will simply be lying on the couch watching reruns of Charles In Charge.

It’s a fully-formed idea, complete with SDK, and work has begun by both OEMs and developers.

MP3 players in 2000 were a fully-formed idea. Smartphones in 2006 were a fully-formed idea (with SDKs!). Windows-based tablets were fully-formed ideas with SDKs for 10 years before Apple figured out how people really wanted to use tablets.

This leaves Apple in a predicament.

A pickle, if you will.

While the company was able to enter late to tablets, smartphones and MP3 players, yet still take over initial share, this one will be different.

They’re always different. And always impossible for Apple.

Android is firmly established. It’s known to the majority of customers and also likely powering their products. That makes an Android smartwach a no-brainer for those with a phone already powered by the OS.

Sure! I own a phone powered by this platform. Thus, I must own a watch powered by this platform because …

There is also little doubt that if the product does appear, it will be hailed by the media and lobbed with attention from fans, possibly even generating some photo-op lines at stores.

But those don’t count because Apple zealots will buy anything. Millions and millions of Apple zealots.

But it won’t catch Android, despite the overzealous attention it would generate. Sales must back up hype, and a lack of them is bad publicity.

Wow, you are really serious about your fan fiction.

Lies, damn lies, and Business Insider

Testing that age-old adage about statistics, Business Insider’s Tona Danova tries to run this up the flag pole. And not only doesn’t he get it to the top, he knocks over the pole and it hits a cow and the cow bursts into flames.

“CHART: Samsung Is Catching Up To Apple In Smartphone Loyalty” (no link but tip o’ the antlers to The LeeBase).

Spin, magic wheel of Business Insider logic! Spin!

iPhone users are notably devoted to Apple, with few making the switch to other handset-makers when they upgrade. But now Samsung users are catching up in terms of brand loyalty.

Would you be surprised to learn that there is literally no evidence that Samsung is “catching up” to Apple in the survey? No, it would not, because, well, you saw this was from Business Insider and, duh.

Don’t expect a medal, that’s just plain ol’ probability.

Roughly three out of four existing iPhone users in the U.S., U.K, and Australia who upgraded last year chose to upgrade to another iPhone, according to new survey results from WDS, compiled by BI Intelligence.

And by “compiled” they mean “link-jacked and interpreted completely upside down.”

But Samsung users aren’t far off.

How far off are they? Oh, just 18 percent. In any other world that would be “trailing badly”. But—[sound of bong bubbles]—you’re in Business Insider country.

If you go to the source of this survey, you see a very even-handed interpretation: Apple does best at retaining customers, Samsung at getting switchers (probably mostly people switching from other Android phones). But you have to run that through Business Insider’s patented Apple filter in order to get “APPLE DOOOMED.” Which is the result of everything you put in, be it a survey, a new report, or an adorable baby goat.

It’s important to remember that the 3,000 customers WDS surveyed are from three of the most developed mobile markets in the world, where Apple has always been the dominant smartphone-maker.

Uh, yeah, but the reason Apple isn’t more popular in the developing world is not because people hate the company’s devices, it’s because of price.

It is possible that Samsung is improving and Apple is standing still, but this survey does not show that. Why? Because it doesn’t show historical data. Business Insider doesn’t seem to know that “catching up” implies change. You can’t show change if you only have data from one point in time.

Also, the walled-off iOS platform is good at keeping users within its ecosystem; it’s always been much more likely that an Android user would switch from a Samsung Galaxy S4 to an HTC One than an iPhone user would switch to Samsung.

Right! It’s practically like Apple’s good results don’t even count! Samsung’s count double.

This is why BI Intelligence highlighted Samsung’s impressive 58% retention rate.

Well, that and page-views. Mostly page-views.

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