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No, it’s not the Cameron Crowe young-romance flick that won America’s heart way back when, it’s serial talking heads who will say anything to get their name in an article or get on the television. Round up a couple of them and you’ve got yourself a piece, mister.

Writing for The Street, Chris Ciaccia brings us “5 Things Apple Doesn’t Want You to Know” (no link because we do not reward such behavior, no we do not, but tip o’ the antlers to Tay Bass).

And if you guessed that this is spread across five pages, well, guess again, Mr. or Ms. Cynical. It’s spread across six pages, because five things clearly need a setup. See, this is why you are not a new media jerkface.

1. Apple TV and the iWatch may not be runaway hits.

The Apple TV. The device that would be another company’s flagship product but which Apple treated like a hobby for years. And the iWatch. Which doesn’t exist yet. These are some dark secrets.

SICA Wealth Management Founder and CIO Jeffrey Sica doesn’t see much corporate enthusiasm for the Apple TV and the upcoming iWatch.

It is amazing how many people make a living just saying things.

2. Samsung is a bigger threat than Apple wants to admit.

You know, Samsung has been around for a while now and Apple hasn’t exactly gone out of business yet. Sure, its revenue and profit growth have slowed, but so have Samsung’s.

“The Apple lawsuits against Samsung brought a lot of attention to Samsung products,” Sica said in an interview.

What are the odds that this whole multi-page cold mess of an ad-impression-maximizing machine is predicated entirely on Sica’s word?

Ciaccia: “Dude, I need to write a negative article about Apple. Can you say some crazy stuff?”

Sica: “Bro, saying crazy stuff is my business model. That’s what I do.

3. Apple technology isn’t all that original.

Is this a thing Apple “doesn’t want you to know”? Apple’s talent is in making the best design and user experience around existing technologies. Read an Apple press release. What do they always say the company does? “Reinvent.” Not “invent.”

“Everyone thinks Apple invents all their own tech, but in reality they ‘borrow’ quite a bit of it from others,” said J.Gold Associates founder and principal analyst Jack Gold.

Sure, everyone thinks Apple invented USB3. Jack Gold is in the same business as Sica: sayin’ stuff. What stuff? Well, it depends on what the reporter needs him to say.

Furthermore, the iPhone was not the first smartphone, the BlackBerry was. However, it was the first to offer touchscreen in a way that was easy for users to use, and combined the Internet with a music player. Apple is now credited as having revolutionized the category.

Which is exactly what it did. But it doesn’t want you to know that’s all smoke and mirrors.

4. Apple Isn’t Perfect.

Yes, and it doesn’t want you to know that, which is why it’d never apologize for making a mistake.

5. Apple is aging.

That is the last thing that Apple doesn’t want you to know about, the number one thing that it’s trying to keep secret: Time is linear.

Don’t tell anyone.

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