You know, it’s hard to stress too much how Android is winning. Even if you invented a little dance where you pranced about in a tutu, combat boots and a rainbow wig shouting “Win-win-winny-win winny-win-winning!” you would not be over-emphasizing it.
You’d look really strange (or like you write for Business Insider), but you couldn’t possibly be accused of overstating the Android win.
Using those numbers, Apple will sell 59.38 million iOS devices, slightly less than devices running Android. But, if Apple does report “the largest blowout in company history,” then Apple will outsell every Android vendor combined.
Oh, Apple zealots. You and your “The iPod touch counts as an iOS device” argument. Will you never learn? The iPod touch doesn’t count because there are no comparable Android devices worth talking about. And why are there no comparable Android devices worth talking about? Because cellular carriers don’t see any value in pushing them.
Remember, when it comes to Android, cellular phone carriers are the real customers. Well, them and Google’s advertisers.
Richman’s estimates might be a little off and it’s unclear how Google estimates “activations.” For example, the Macalope wonders if Google would include the Kindle Fire in these activations when it’s not actually “Android.” So the horny one doesn’t actually expect this to happen. But it might be closer than is dreamt of in the philosophy of your average technology pundit.
Whoops, dropping out of faux Android-booster mode. Hang on.
[Downs a quart of NyQuil and “open sauce”]
[Which is also known as Mad Dog 20/20]
AHHH. ANDROID IS OPEN. IT HAS NO SCROLLING LAG.
Moving on we see that iOS accounts for 92 percent of mobile purchases (tip o’ the antlers to GigaOm. Of course, you’d think that would be a sign that iOS is winning, but look again, worshipper at the church that Steve Jobs built. Because clearly that 90 percent is driven by Apple fanatics. Once we remove the mindless cult members, we see that Android is taking an astonishing 100 percent! Or something like that. The report doesn’t actually break out the remaining 8 percent, probably because it’s so insignificant.
Besides, most Android users aren’t wasting their time buying things online because they’re too busy engaged in content creation or something else awesome. Like rooting and compiling.
And we’ve already covered how developers will reject material goods in the next six months and recognize that all that money is an emotional weight that just drags down the soul.
Sure, it’s kind of ironic that an advertising company expects developers to code for their platform for no real reason but did not the buddha himself say that when you meet him on the road you should develop apps for him for free?
Huh. Maybe that was Zoroastrianism.
[Editors’ Note: Each week the Macalope skewers the worst of the week’s coverage of Apple and other technology companies. In addition to being a mythical beast, the Macalope is not an employee of Macworld. As a result, the Macalope is always free to criticize any media organization. Even ours.]
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