The reviews of the Windows Phone-based Nokia Lumia 900 are out and “needs more work” isn’t really what Microsoft wanted to hear at this point. It’s time for another chat with the Macalope’s Redmond counterpart, the Winotaur.
Macalope: Dude, you have to help a mythical beast out here.
Winotaur: What are you talking about?
Macalope: The Lumia 900. All of your Windows phones. You gotta do better than this.
Winotaur: Whaddaya mean? The 900 got pretty good reviews.
Macalope: “Pretty good” isn’t going to cut it. Look, you gotta throw the Macalope a bone, here. He was hoping this was going to be a really nice device that he could point to as a non-iPhone that he liked. He’s obviously not going to hold up an Android phone as an example. But did you read Joshua Topolsky’s review? Like the part where he says we should “stop giving Windows Phone a pass”?
Winotaur: Pff! That guy! Total Apple fanb…
Macalope:Don’t. Say. It.
Winotaur: Uh, right. Sorry. But give me a break!
Macalope: No, see that’s the problem! We’ve been giving you a break, because we don’t want to look like we’re just dismissing every non-Apple device. And, really, if there’s going to be another phone with a positive user experience, the Macalope wants it to be one of yours. Because he feels like we’ve grown closer over the years.
Winotaur: Aw. Hey, me, too, buddy.
Macalope: Over our mutual dislike of Android.
Winotaur: Exactly. Hoof bump. [hoof bump]
Macalope: And, frankly, let’s face it, Windows Phone just isn’t that much of a threat.
Winotaur: HEY! IDC said we’re going be ahead of your sorry butt by 2015!
Macalope: Haha! Yeah. That was a good one. It’s hysterical that these analyst firms still think it’s 1997. The Macalope looks forward to their warnings about the impending Y2K disaster in a couple of years.
Winotaur: I am going to welcome you to the social right in the eye.
Macalope: What… what is that even supposed to mean?
Winotaur: I DON’T KNOW!
Macalope: Look, we want you to succeed. Eh, a little. You know. Not a lot. But some. Just a tad.
Winotaur: Uh huh. This is touching.
Macalope: A very small amount. A smidge.
Winotaur: OK. I get it.
Macalope: A teensie bit. We wish you a dram of success. A modicum. Just enough for you to have a device that we can praise, so we don’t just look like knee-jerk Apple fans. We want to be able to hold up a Windows Phone and say “This a really nice phone! We don’t know why it’s not selling!”
Winotaur:Thanks. Jerk. Anything I can do to lend you some credibility. God knows you need it.
Macalope: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Just trying to help, here. Wow. Phew. Way to shoot the messenger.
Winotaur: I hate you.
Macalope: Of course you do. Hey, are we seeing The Hunger Games on Saturday?
Winotaur: Um… sure.
[Editors’ Note: In addition to being a mythical beast, the Macalope is not an employee of Macworld. As a result, the Macalope is always free to criticize any media organization. Even ours.]
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