Is there really any point in mocking Business Insider anymore?
The Macalope knows this is his job and everything, but some days it’s tough to come to work. What a grind.
Sadly, there is no “Jerkbag Emeritus” status that we can simply assign to certain people in order to write them off the face of the Earth. They keep coming back.
This time Business Insider’s Eric Platt and Ben Duronio team up to give you: “EXCLUSIVE: Apple Has Destroyed 490,000 American Jobs.”
Remember, these made-up numbers are a Business Insider exclusive. If you want to quote these ridiculous, fictional numbers you have to cite Business Insider. Which is probably for the best, anyway—at least people won’t think you made up this nonsense.
What Business Insider has done is to blame any and every possible job loss on Apple, from IBM to the U.S. government to the second night shift guy down at the Quickie Mart. Actually, it didn’t get that last one and is probably kicking itself, because Apple totally reduced reliance on magazines and disposable cameras and, um, Slurpees?
The whole point, of course, was to come up with a number close to the 500,000 jobs Apple claims it created. Business Insider’s point, apparently, is that you can kill jobs by making a better product, whether it’s smartphones or digital media. So, if companies would all stop trying to make better products and just keep producing crap, we’ll all stay employed.
Wait, didn’t somebody try this once?
Here’s the shocking part of this “analysis”:
Apple was unresponsive to repeated request for comment.
No. Way. The only question is did they hang up at “Hi, this is Business Insider,” or “We’d like you to comment on how many jobs you’ve destroyed.” Or both.
Wait, did the Macalope say the point was to come up with a number close to Apple’s? Sorry. Sorry. That’s wrong. The point was to get people to click through a ridiculous slideshow. That’s what the point was. The Macalope apologizes for the error.
The horny one was surprised to see that another stunning piece of Business Insider analysis didn’t get the slideshow treatment.
“You Can Learn To Be The Next Steve Jobs: Nine Ways To Become A Visionary”
(The Macalope’s personal favorite is #4: “Apply focus to your brainstorming.”)
Trust the Macalope when he says that if you’re reading Business Insider in a non-ironic fashion, you are not a visionary and never will be. You probably shouldn’t even go outside the house without some adult supervision.
And a lacrosse helmet.
You know what? Ridiculing Business Insider is still fun. Forget the Macalope ever complained about it.
[Editors’ Note: In addition to being a mythical beast, the Macalope is not an employee of Macworld. As a result, the Macalope is always free to criticize any media organization. Even ours.]