The Macalope would suggest that Apple must be a cat what with the number of times it’s been purported to have been killed, but a cat only has nine lives so Apple would have to be, what? A dozen cats? A dozen smiling, unconcerned cats, defiantly licking their crotches, because they can?
“China’s would-be Apple killer is starting U.S. sales” (tip o’ the antlers to @mylestaylor)
That’s the headline on this piece. The page title is simply “Apple killer Xiaomi is starting U.S. sales” because Apple is dead, you see, having been killed by Xiaomi. This according to Fortune which fancies itself a business magazine.
Unlike Fortune, the Macalope believes in due process so it should really say “alleged” or “accused Apple killer” until such time as Xiaomi can be brought to trial for murder. How do we even know that Apple didn’t slip on a bar of market share in the shower and accidentally impale itself on the knife of cheap smartphones?
Admittedly, based on the coroner’s report, it would have had to do that 14 times, but it could have happened.
OK, well, let’s jump from the Xiaomi slash fic page title to the merely Xiaomi fan fic headline and body.
Xiaomi is about to open an online store for the American and European markets.
Only doom can follow.
For now, the retail sites are a test bed that offers only four electronic accessories for sale.
Electronic accessories… of doom.
Xiaomi’s initial products for sale are a $15 fitness tracker, a pair of $80 headphones, a $10 USB power pack for charging mobile devices, and a bigger model for $14.
TREMBLE IN FEAR, ALL YE CUPERTINO DENIZENS, AT THE… UH… FITNESS TRACKER AND… UH… THOSE USB POWER PACKS. THEY’RE CERTAINLY… USEFUL… I GUESS. IF YOU ALREADY HAVE A SMARTPHONE. DEFINITELY FEAR-INDUCING.
Huh. Wonder why Xiaomi is starting out with a collection of nick-knacks. It couldn’t possibly have anything to do with the fact that the minute it starts selling its phones and tablets in the U.S., it’ll get slapped with a lawsuit faster than you can say “Hey, Siri, has Xiaomi been slapped with a bunch of lawsuits yet?”
“Expansion into countries with strict intellectual property laws, such as the U.S. or Japan, has long been a challenge for most Chinese smartphone brands, including Xiaomi,” said Neil Mawston, executive director of researcher Strategy Analytics.
Nnnope, no reason to worry about that. Looks like it’s nothing but smooth sailing ahead for Xiaomi on its way to all the Apple killing.
Well, now let’s leave the wonderful world of Xiaomi fan fiction and come back to boring ol’ planet Earth where our dreams of glorious Apple killing in the name of… well, we’re not really sure why Apple must die so repeatedly. Possibly it was Hitler in a former life. That would explain why so many seem hell-bent on seeing it die.
Anyhoo, Xiaomi had been enjoying a pretty nice ride up the charts in China. Until the last two quarters, when its share has dropped and Apple’s has shot up. Apple’s share has risen so much in China of late that it was the number one vendor there last quarter.
A funny thing happened on the way to all the killing. Xiaomi did really well beating Samsung at its game, but it doesn’t even play the same game Apple plays.