You knew it was coming. Well, you might have hoped or it wasn’t or prayed to whatever gods you worship to make it not come, but you knew it was coming.
Even after you stayed up all night putting those animal bones into just the right shape to summon Gorzok the Flayer. What a waste of time. But Gorzok is a lousy god, Tracy! We all told you this! And, predictably, he has once again failed to stop people from writing for the Forbes contributor network and remedial LARPing summer school.
Wife: Honey, I’m worried about Tristan. He doesn’t know the difference between throwing a lightning bolt and rolling for initiative.
Announcer: That’s why you need the Forbes contributor network and remedial LARPing summer school!
Husband and wife: The whaaaa?!
Writing for those guys, Mark Rogowsky commits a crime against both Apple and Star Wars. And us, the readers, of course.
“Apple 2015: The Force Awakened, But The Rebellion Faces Yet Another Death Star.” (Tip o’ the antlers to @JonyIveParody.)
No. Mark. No. Oh, god.
A not so long time ago, in a galaxy not so terribly far removed from this one, there was a disturbance in the Force.
The Macalope’s not going to bother quoting much, just know that it goes on and on like this. It’s like being slowly digested over a thousand years in the stomach of something… but the Macalope just can’t think of what.
Now, to be clear, an analogy this ham-fisted is completely at home on a site that uses no fewer than 20 trackers. So… OK. But to determine the amount of ham comprising this fist, please note that the galaxy Rogowsky is talking about is not removed from this one at all. It is this one. This very one.
[Looks up at ceiling while screaming into communicator] MAAAAAAAARK!
Wait, that’s the other Star… You know what, who cares? The point is, just because you went out and saw the movie everyone saw, it does not—REPEAT: NOT—mean that you have to or should ever even think about jamming it into a column about Apple. Or anything other than a column about that particular movie.
The other annoying thing is, unlike most of his fellow Forbes… uh… “colleagues,” he sounds too formal. “10 million earwigs working together in a decaying human host body by pulling ganglia to make the hands bang at a keyboard” sounds almost 100 percent accurate based on the Macalope’s gathered anecdotal evidence but is simply too wordy.
Anyway, unlike the rest of those serial goofballs, Rogowsky has actually done some good work! Indeed, from what the Macalope could stand to read of this piece, it seems to be a tongue-in-cheek effort to mock Apple doom-sayers. So, that’s good.
For a change, the Macalope’s real objection here is not about the Apple analysis. It’s about using The Force Awakens as a device to describe Apple’s travails. Let’s see if the horny one can put it into words those tempted to use The Force Awakens as a device to describe Apple’s travails might understand.
Using The Force Awakens as an analogy for Apple is The Phantom Menace of literary devices.
Using The Force Awakens as an analogy for Apple is the Jar-Jar Binks of literary devices. It’s supposed to be funny, but it’s really just annoying and makes you want to strangle an Ewok. Or another Ewok.
There. That better makes the point.