The Macalope has said it time and time again but, kids, if you want to be a pundit in technology today just remember one rule: all Apple problems are the worst thing ever.
Writing for the Forbes contributor network and illegal manatee fighting ring, Gordon Kelly is back to take nothing but fair trade, organic mole hills and—using an artisanal, hand-crafting technique—turn them into mountains.
“Apple Warns iPhones Have A Serious Problem.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Philip.)
OMG, all iPhones?!
But read on.
In a leaked internal document attained by the ever-reliable MacRumors, Apple is warning Authorized Service Providers that iOS 11.3 and iOS 11.3.1 have been crippling iPhones.
“iPhones.” How many iPhones? [aggressive mumbling] Not until the middle of the second paragraph do we get:
Most notably the iPhone 7 and iPhone 7 Plus, which are unable to use their microphones during calls or be heard at all during FaceTime chats.
If by “most notably” you mean “only.” But it’s all iPhone 7 and 7 Plus units, right?
Let’s go to the MacRumors report Kelly bases his elaborate fanfic off of.
“Apple Acknowledges Microphone Issue With Some iPhone 7 and 7 Plus Models on iOS 11.3 and Later.”
Oh. So it’s some iPhone 7 and 7 Plus devices. Well, how many?
…this does not appear to be a widespread problem…
Kelly: I’ll have a Nothing Burger with Nothing Sauce. Actually, let’s make that a Nothing Value Meal. With a Nothing Cola.
Bored drive-through attendant: Would you like to super size that?
Kelly: Yes. Yes, I would.
OK, we’ve watched the inflation of this problem, but get ready to WITNESS THE FULL WEAPONIZATION OF THIS DUMB AND TREMBLE AS IT ATTAINS ITS TRUE FORM.
At this stage, it is unknown if Apple will charge users to fix this problem if their iPhone is out of warranty. MacRumors suggests it “seems likely given the circumstances”, but obviously this is far from a cast iron guarantee.
Wow, is that what MacRumors said? Apple’s probably not going to fix it for free even though it was a software update that created this problem?!
Once again, all together, and let’s really punch it this time, a few of you were slacking the last time, looking at you, Evelyn:
Here’s what MacRumors said:
Apple’s document does not specify if the repairs will be completed free of charge, but it seems likely given the circumstances.
[choking on alfalfa noise]
Wow, that’s… uh… exactly the opposite is what that is.
Well, you can’t make a hyperbolic Apple bug diatribe omelette without breaking a few factual eggs. Apparently. The Macalope wouldn’t know, really. He’s never felt the need to make a hyperbolic Apple bug diatribe omelette.
Bugs are bad and Apple should, of course, fix this for free. But does iOS have more bugs than any other operating system? That certainly hasn’t been shown, yet Kelly thinks this is a big problem for Apple.
Ultimately, Apple needs to fix this narrative.
The narrative that you created and then stoked with exaggerations and things that are simply wrong. Yeah, they should get right on that.