The Macalope had to do a double-take today as he felt certain he had read an article before but it turns out he’d just read an article that was almost exactly the same as this one. What a relief to know it’s not a glitch in the matrix. He hates those. They always lead to so many slow-motion action shots.
Writing for the Forbes contributor network and Institute for Advanced Misunderstanding, Gordon Kelly says “Apple’s iPhone 9 Has An Unfixable Design Problem.” (Tip o’ the antlers to mylestaylor.)
What is it?! Will it explode like the Galaxy Note 7? Will it come chock full of malware like this $100 iPhone knockoff (tip o’ the antlers to @designheretic)?
NO, IT’S MUCH WORSE.
Are you sitting down? WELL, WHY, FOR PETE’S SAKE?! Stand up! That will make it easier when you want to jump up and down in outrage at this offense, which you surely will. For, you see, the “unfixable design problem” is this:
The bezel on the cheaper model is rumored to be a hair bigger than the bezel on the more expensive model.
OH, MY GOD! [rending of garments, much wailing] WHY DO BAD PHONES HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE?!
Reportedly. Because, while these rumors may very well be correct, none of this is exactly confirmed.
Give yourself a few minutes to sigh heavily in reaction to this reaction and then let’s unpack it a bit.
The Macalope feels it should not be surprising that cheaper phones have a lesser feature set than more expensive ones but… here we are so let’s say it. IT’S NOT SURPRISING THAT CHEAPER PHONES HAVE A LESSER FEATURE SET THAN MORE EXPENSIVE ONES. This is apparently big news over at the Forbes contributor network and outlet mall for things that have been half-eaten by dogs (ask about the special on cakes!). So much so that Kelly has had to write basically the same ridiculous article twice in the span of a few days, because this one reads pretty much like the one The Macalope wrote about last Thursday. In both, Kelly overplays the issue as if it’s a design flaw before explaining why the cheaper model requires a bigger bezel because LCD screens can’t bend like OLED screens, but still says it makes the cheaper iPhone looks like a “toy”. Also in both articles, he eventually admits Apple should be commended for making it as thin as it appears they’re going to and that the price difference makes up for it.
His teapots contain multitudes of tempests.
None of this is surprising unless manufactured surprise is a real kind of surprise and The Macalope would argue that it’s not because that kind of violates the definition of the word “surprise.” The iPhone 5C was cheaper than the iPhone 5S because it was made out of plastic. The iPhone SE is cheaper than the iPhone X because it’s an older design. The Honda Fit is cheaper than the Acura NSX for so many reasons but this isn’t a column about cars. It’s apparently a column about remedial economics. No one is more surprised to discover this than The Macalope.