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9to5Mac has the “news,” but the Macalope must warn you: It might be too horrible to behold.

“KGI: 5.5-inch iPhone 6 likely to be delayed until after October, possibly until 2015”

NOOOOOOOOOOOO. But … but … the Macalope needs his iPhablet now! Because the screen’s bigger! Well, perhaps he’ll just switch to Android if Apple can’t bring rumored products to market when they’re rumored to be coming to market!

And then he’ll wade into the ocean and never return. That sounds about right.

So, delayed according to who?

KGI Securities analyst Ming-Chi Kuo, who has provided accurate Apple product information in the past (timing aside) …

Oh, well, Kuo is usually right except for issues of timing, so we should totally take this timing-related rumor at face value. The important thing to do is not to question how a device that hasn’t been announced yet could be delayed. No, it’s to identify winners and losers, of course: Apple = loser, Samsung = winner.

“Delay Of Large iPhone Is The Best Possible News For Samsung” (no link for repeat crimes against humanity).

That’s Jim Edwards keeping score over at Business Insider, where it’s always “Competitors: 1 million, Apple: nil.”

Apple was poised to deliver a killer blow to Samsung. But now it seems Samsung has gotten a reprieve.

Because that rumored phone? Rumored to come later. Also, Fleetwood Mac’s most popular album? Still “Rumors.” #rumors

Business Insider’s Jay Yarow lauded Kuo’s mad predictamatory skillz last year, saying he “nailed it”:

Aug. 10: He says Apple will have a scratch resistant sapphire home button with a fingerprint scanner. Correct! (Unfortunately, he also said he thought the button would be made convex instead of concave. Incorrect!)

Aug. 15: A gold iPhone. Correct! (He also said there would be a 128 GB model. Incorrect!) …

Aug. 16: Apple will kill the iPhone 5, replacing it with the iPhone 5C, and it will keep the iPhone 4S. Correct! (He said the iPhone 5C would sell for $400-$500. Incorrect!)

Nailed, uh, certain parts of it!

This, of course, being after Kuo said in March of 2013:

“We expect Apple will introduce its new iPhones and iOS7 in June, and start shipping the new iPhones (5S and low-cost model) in the FDD version in July,” KGI Securities analyst Ming Chi Kuo said in an investor note.

Screwing up Apple rumors, however, means never having to say you’re sorry. Because you were never wrong. It was Apple that was wrong. The company must have changed the date after the rumor came out. It’s very spiteful. It … hey, where are you going?

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