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Everyone’s going too far this week. First we’ll look at overreactions to the celebrity photo theft. Then a writer wants to make sure you get the unvarnished truth … from two noted anti-Apple quote factories. Finally, it’s time to complain about the iPhone 7!

Array out of bounds

Who else would we turn to for a reaction about the theft of celebrity photos but Business Insider’s Jim Edwards? In his inimitably staid style, Edwards calmly lays out the situation.

Here’s what the title bar says: “Tim Cook, Apple and the iCloud Hack.”

Edwards then goes nuts somewhere between the title bar and the headline, which reads: “On The Eve Of What Was Supposed To Be Tim Cook’s Greatest Triumph, Apple Is In Disarray” (tip o’ the antlers to Neal Butterfield).

Disarray! If you were to drive by Infinite Loop right now you’d probably see a building on fire, engineers getting drunk on the lawn, and a goat at the reception desk, idly chewing on some resumes.

And Business Insider wonders why the Macalope doesn’t link to them. Anyway, get ready to be sprayed in the face by a firehose of dumb.

It’s Apple’s most important event of the year …

Yes. You got one thing right! Aaaaaand that’s the last thing that will make sense for a long time.

… the entire company depends on the success of the three new products Cook is going to unveil there …

No. It’s important, but the entire company depending on their success? Hyperbole is not just a river in Egypt, Jim. It’s not a river at all. Anywhere. Look it up, Jim.

… (two iPhone 6 models and a smartwatch).

Rumors are really the same thing as facts, so why not report them as such?

iCloud’s brand has been completely sullied by the hack …

Completely. Well, from where Business Insider is sitting, which is in a floating recliner in the Sea of Apple Doom. Nothing but Apple Doom as far as the eye can see, stretching from horizon to horizon.

Because it’s not like any other company has ever had security issues. It’s not like Android is a “cesspool” of malware. At Business Insider, bad things only happen to Apple.

For years, the Macalope has railed against Apple’s security policy, which, for a long time, was “meh?” Not literally, of course. There was an 8-slide Keynote deck, too. It is sadly not that surprising that the company allowed unlimited attempts for the Find My iPhone login up until this theft happened. Although it’s unclear if that was exploited in this instance. Rich Mogull seems to think it wasn’t, and Rich certainly knows a heck of a lot better than Jim Edwards does.

But, does Apple need to do better? Yes.

Trust is a huge part of the Apple brand.

And apparently no one else’s. That’s the implicit argument Edwards is making here, although he doesn’t seem to realize it. You bought an Android device? Well, don’t have any expectations! The next time Edwards writes about how Android is “winning,” remember that he implicitly thinks it’s winning by being less trustworthy. Important context that he’s not spelling out for you.

Should we expect more from Apple? Yes. We should also expect more from Google, Microsoft, Target, Home Depot … everyone.

In the long run, Apple will figure this out. …

But in the short term, it’s about as bad as it can possibly be.

Is it? Has anyone said anything about boycotting Apple over this? If so, that’s news to the Macalope—he hasn’t heard anything beyond the fevered imagination of Jim Edwards. Maybe glibly assuming that this is something that only happens to celebrities isn’t the right attitude to have, but it’s closer to the actual reaction than Edwards’s imagined scenario.

On the other hand, where are people supposed to run to? Android? Talk about going out of the frying pan and into the industrial blast furnace. If this theft is the result of guessing simple passwords or security questions, then no other vendor on the face of the planet would have stopped it either. Edwards’s solution—two-factor authentication—is not currently required by anyone. No one wants to be the first one to require it and then have people flip tables because it’s so hard to set up an account and use that service.

Yes, let’s hold Apple accountable for its screw-ups. But let’s do it in the real world.

Two wrongs actually make a bigger wrong

Writing for MarketWatch, Benjamin Pimentel has a new spin on an old adage.

“Apple’s Tim Cook faces make-or-break week” (tip o’ the antlers to Erick Díaz).

Surely Apple will go out of business next week if all the products aren’t hits. That much is certain.

It is true that Cook and The Gang have been priming the pump for this event and that expectations are running high. Still, it’s not exactly like Cook is a flashy executive known for his brash statements.

Three years after Steve Jobs’s death …

We’re still obsessed with him.

… his handpicked successor, Apple Chief Executive Tim Cook, is leading a major product offensive that could set the tech giant’s course in the post-Jobs era.

To prove this, let’s go to some people who exist only to churn out absurd quotes for stories like this.

“The iPhone 6 rollout is a big deal for Tim Cook,” analyst Roger Kay of Endpoint Technologies Associates told MarketWatch, referring to the new iPhone.

That would be the Roger Kay that Microsoft paid to come up with the “Apple tax.” The Roger Kay who tried to conflate jailbreaking the iPhone to hacking it, pretending the iPhone had a huge security problem. The Roger Kay who said developers would eschew the App Store because of the 30/70 revenue split. That Roger Kay. The Roger Kay who should be shunned into the Stone Age if such a thing were possible, instead of quoted high up in a piece about Apple. So, Pimentel is not off to a great start.

But don’t worry! It gets worse!

“It actually hinges on the watch because it is the next thing that Apple is betting on,” analyst Rob Enderle of the Enderle Group told MarketWatch.

Literally laughing out loud. If only there were some kind of acronym for that. It would have saved the Macalope some characters.

“If it bounces, folks will begin to lose faith.”

Which would be the moment Rob’s been waiting for his entire life.

“Regardless of what happens I expect the financial analysts that support the stock to claim victory …”

Regardless of what happens, the Macalope expects Rob will come up with some reason why it’s a dud.

” … but watch the iWatch execution. That’ll tell you whether this is a rebirth or the beginning of the end.”

And Rob would know, because he’s been predicting the end of Apple for like 15 years. He’s a thought leader in Apple doomsday scenarios.

“Watch the iWatch execution.” This is what passes for analysis over at MarketWatch? “If people order the iWatch and Apple delivers them ham sandwiches instead, then you’ll know.”

Seriously, the Macalope believes that if there weren’t articles like this—where writers for some reason feel they desperately need anti-Apple quotes—then Kay and Enderle would cease to exist on a metaphysical level, popping out of our universe like soap bubbles.

You know, if soap bubbles were consistently wrong.

Let’s get crazy

Presumably we’ll find out what the iPhone 6 is all about next week, but that’s yesterday’s news that’s coming tomorrow! How about complaining about tomorrow’s news today? Take it away, ZDNet’s Ken Hess.

“10 ways to fix Apple’s iPhone 7. No, really” (tip o’ the antlers to Mahmood al-Zadjali).

No! Not really! No, no, no, no, no! No! Not at all! No! For each time you can say “No, really” the Macalope can say “No! Not really!” How long do you want to do this, Ken, because the Macalope has all day.

I know that you’re probably all caught up in Apple’s iPhone 6 hype, have seen its “leaked” photos, and have heard all about its alleged new features.

But I’m here to run off the rails about its alleged new features.

But I’m expecting more Apple guff and maybe a few new features that will extract another $600+ out of the hands of people who really can’t afford it.

Apple products cost too much! Even if you can sell them at the end of your contract for WHY DOES THE MACALOPE HAVE TO KEEP REPEATING THIS FOR THE SLOWER STUDENTS? Do the reading before coming to class! You’re never going to catch up this way, Ken! It’s like running up the down escalator!

I’ve heard the rumors too. I’ve seen the pictures. I’ve read the list of guessed at features.

I’ve chased a wild tiger. I’ve birthed a baby in an elevator. I’m ready for this, the next great challenge in my life. Making crap up.

Keep the 3.5mm earphone jack and put it back on top of the phone.

Where God intended it to be.

It’s rumored that the iPhone 6 has no 3.5mm earphone jack. That’s a design flaw.

A mythical design flaw, but a design flaw nonetheless. Keep speaking truth to imaginary power, Ken.

One of the iPhone 6 features that I’ve heard about is wireless charging. Hey, that would be a grand idea, since my lightning charger that came with my iPhone 5 rarely works.

My cable doesn’t work right so everyone’s cable must not work right. So please add a feature that requires a charging station. Because those never don’t work right. Oh, and I’ll also probably complain about the fact that you only give me one of those with the phone and that replacement ones cost too much.

Please put a wired mini-USB charging port on the iPhone 7.

No. Nope. No. Not at all. Lightning is better and the idea that mini-USB is a standard is a lie (see micro-USB and the laughable new improved USB 3.0 connector). Next question.

It’s weird, but my iPhone 5 has volume problems. My iPhone 4 didn’t.

I have problems with my phone. Trying to diagnose them is out of the question, so I’ll assume they’re endemic and demand the company fix them in the next release.

I’ve also heard that the new iPhone and maybe some Android models are going to feature fingerprint scan security. It would be nice, but I’ll believe it when I see it.

Uh, you mean Touch ID? The feature that’s in the currently shipping iPhone 5s? Are … what?

Built-in Scanning Software

Free games. Free data. Free Tibet. Free Mumia.

I know that there’s remote lockout and remote wipe, if you connect to icloud.com, find your phone, and then issue the command. But what if you could “brick” the device after a defined number of unsuccessful login attempts …

Well, you can set iOS to erase all the data after 10 failed passcode attempts. And if you have a backup you can restore the phone. It’s not exactly the same thing, though, so let’s keep splitting hairs and cutting these babies in half until we get to just right.

There you have my ten fixes for the iPhone 7. Sadly, it’s too late for the iPhone 6 …

Oh, so sad. Total fail.

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