Unfair comparisons: stacking the iPhone against every Android phone feature


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Fall is here and, in preparation for winter, the Macalope is stacking silly pundit tricks to burn for warmth. Here’s a fun silly pundit trick: expecting the iPhone to have every feature of every Android phone across the entirety of the Android ecosystem.

Writing for The Mirror, Trevor Davies knows the score on the iPhone 6.

"iPhone 6 – Don't believe the hype as Apple fans flock to buy the new mobile" (tip o' the antlers to @JonyIveParody and David Cutter)

Now, the Macalope knows you really shouldn’t expect much from a publication that has “Meet the amazing TRIPLE-BREASTED WOMAN” at the top of its “Most Read In News” column. But even this is ridiculous.

Apple diehards – who would be tempted to buy a live pig if it had the familiar logo branded on its backside...

Yes! Yes. We would be sorely tempted by the Apple Pig! Because we’re simply idiots! All 50 million of us a quarter! How clever of you to notice! Good for you! Surely that’s enough hard thinking for one day. Take the rest of the day off!

...have been queuing outside stores for a week to buy the iPhone 6 today.

Actually, most of the people who queue up these days are either promoting something or reselling iPhones for a profit. But don’t worry, Apple diehards are still dumb as rocks.

But the shiny new handset is not the only flagship smartphone on the market...


But most people buying their first smartphone aren’t buying the hype or an Apple product.

It’s true! Most people buy other phones. Like, for example, the aforementioned triple-breasted woman, who is shown taking a selfie with an Android phone in the picture accompanying the “article”.

The dumbness of iPhone buyers and the success of Android now established, who should we go to for comment on Apple’s new phones?

One insider from an Apple rival, who spoke to me off the record, said of Apple’s iPhone 6...

Yes, let’s go to an off-the-record comment from an Apple competitor.

Bra. Vo. You actually just made the triple-breasted woman article have more journalistic value. That is no small feat.

“I was hoping they’d do something exciting, coming out with some new technology or something that leads the way. But everything they’ve done has been seen on Android handsets before.”

You don’t say! Like a fingerprint reader that’s actually usable? Build quality? An operating system that’s not junked up with crapware? Performance? Security? Hello? Is this thing on?

Even rival manufacturers admit that the iPhone 6 is beautifully designed and pretty much state of the art when it comes to performance, but still no match, they would argue, for their own top-of-the-range models.

So, it’s better made and demonstrably faster, but still not as good. “Because look at all the ‘features’ we jammed into this thing! This one has a corkscrew! And this other one a nail file!”

Now, let’s take a tour around the Android landscape and see how much better it is than the iPhone.

...the iPhone 6 Plus beats the S5 with a 5.5-inch screen, but Samsung already has the Galaxy Note 4′s 5.7-inch display to top that.

Samsung’s screens are bigger!

The tech giant isn’t boasting waterproofing or dustproofing either. Yet the latest Sony Xperia Z3 has both.

Sony’s phones are waterproof!

Samsung, Huawei and Nokia all have smartphones for £60 and below.

These other phones are cheaper!

Look, all you need to do is get an Android phone from HTC for build quality. Then get an Android phone from Sony because their cameras are so good. Then get a Galaxy Note from Samsung for the largest screen. Then get a Nexus from Google to get a decent software experience. Finally, get a phone from Hauwei because they’re cheap. Then mash them all together and you’ve got one phone that’s better than the iPhone!

That’ll work, right? Well, unless you mash them all together and get the worst of each one. Just mash carefully.

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