Pollvertising: The real reason behind silly Apple-related polls


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Just when you thought it was safe to go back to using your iPhone 6...

Writing for UK’s Metro, Siam Goorwich tells us the iPhone 6’s ugly secret that Apple doesn’t want you to know.

“Smashing: Nearly half of iPhone 6 owners have already broken their handsets” (indirect link and tip o’ the antlers to Steve Boothe)

Baloney. Hogwash. Hornswoggle. Balderdash.

Possibly Metro uses the Parisian word for subway instead of the one used by Londoners because “Tube” would sound too much like the ground up meat in an animal intestine that it is.

They may have only hit the shelves in September, but for many, their iPhone 6 dreams have already taken a turn for the worse.

It’s not in the same category as your phone receiver turning into Freddy Krueger’s tongue, but it's still pretty bad.

Because a survey of over 2,000 people by vouchercloud.com has found that a staggering 42 per cent of iPhone 6 owners have already damaged their pricey new handsets.

What the heck is vouchercloud.com, you ask? Some kind of online coupon thing or something or other. Doesn’t matter. What matters is you hadn’t heard of it yesterday and now, through the magic of phony polling, you have!

Mission accomplished.

Ginning up sensationalist polls about Apple is a time-honored tradition.

And despite the fact that the iPhone 6 was plagued by reports of bending...

Plagued. A veritable Black Death of reports.

...when it first went on sale, this only came in as the second most reported damage.

It’s actually the iPhone 6 Plus that was bubonic-ed by bending, not the iPhone 6. But accuracy in the media doesn’t really apply here since this is more advertising than anything else.

The other problems to make the top five were water damage, damaged buttons, and software issues.

Software issues. Really. So, if the Music app in iOS 8 just suddenly stops playing for no reason, ClusterCloud or whatever counted that as “damaged.” Cool.

Trusted Reviews (sic) also reported this “news” and offered some information on those surveyed (“2174 British iPhone 6 owners all over the age of 25”) and color commentary by a VoucherCloud executive.

“The smartphones on offer today are packed with so much technological wizardry...”

That one might be inclined to believe in magic!

Is that how they do it? Magic? I really have no idea. Anyway, best to drown it in the well, just to be on the safe side.

“...and functions that they are extremely delicate,” VoucherCloud’s Matthew Wood said.

Yes, indeed. You wouldn’t want to drop your magical smartphone lest you damage one of the many functions packed into it.

That quote was so elucidating that Trusted Reviews saw fit to use it as a pull quote. So, let’s revisit it, shall we?

“The smartphones on offer today are packed with so much technological wizardry and functions that they are extremely delicate”

You may be more accustomed to a phone made largely of wrought iron. Many are! But not so today, friend! No, phones in our modern times are made of aloominium and glass and are stuffed with various functions, much as a wizard or his familiar may be stuffed with spirits.

The wizard is a heavy drinker, you see. The cat, meanwhile, is filled with demons.

“You almost wish you could cover them in bubble wrap to avoid any damage, as accidents can happen at any time and mobile phones really are a lifeline nowadays.”

What with our modern times and such. If only there were a site that periodically offered vouchers for cloud purchases of cases for these magical phones. OH, WELL.

Anyway, you can all go back about enjoying your iPhones. There’s nothing to see here except the practicing of the second oldest profession: advertising.

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