Reality challenged: Remember those predictions Tim Cook would be fired?


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It was just a matter of time, but Apple’s executive corps could only preside over so much market share bloodletting before the bill came due.

Bloomberg says “Apple Executives Set to Pay Price in Overhaul”

If only they’d listened to pundits and licensed iOS or opened it up to antivirus vendors or sold a dirt-cheap iPhone! So sad. Let’s see what the damage will be.

Leaders of Samsung Electronics Co.’s mobile-phone unit may be replaced as the controlling Lee family tries to revive a business where profits slumped by $4.5 billion as upstart Chinese vendors won market share.

Wait, that doesn’t say Apple. What the...?

Oh, my God, the Macalope copied the headline wrong! Oh, how silly. That is just... psh. Boy, is there alfalfa on the horny one’s face. He blames post-Thanksgiving food stupor. Curse these clumsy hooves!

No, the headline actually read:

“Samsung Mobile Executives Set to Pay Price in Overhaul”

But, wait, that can’t be right. Samsung is the new hotness. It was in all the newspapers (ask your parents what newspapers were). What happened to all the winning? Is there some sort of shortage in our strategic global winning reserves?

Apple’s release in September of new large-screen iPhones has eaten into the market that Samsung pioneered, while Xiaomi won over budget buyers with feature-packed devices using Google Inc.’s Android operating system.

Boy, who saw that coming up De Anza Boulevard like a clown parade with acrobatic poodles and tricycles and a VW bug and seltzer bottles and banana cream pies, etc., etc.?

Oh, hey! The Macalope did! He shall refer you to his collected works, but the short story is that pundits can only see threats in terms of how they affect Apple. Experts aren’t sure if this is the result of having consumed paint chips as youngsters, blunt force trauma to the head, or having worked in a 19th century hat factory. This is why the Macalope supports legislation to isolate pundits for further study. Please sign the online petition.

Anyway, first they said “All the growth is in emerging markets! Apple’s phones are too expensive to sell in emerging markets! Samsung triumphant!” Then when they took notice of Xiaomi they said “See?! Cheap phones from Xiaomi will destroy Apple!” Then they swallowed a bug and walked around for 15 minutes flailing their arms and saying “ACK! ACK! I SWALLOWED A BUG!”

True story.

As it turned out in our reality here on Earth Prime, however, Apple’s sales in emerging markets grew healthily and Xiaomi affected Samsung’s sales instead of Apple’s since both competed for the low end.

Is it possible that pieces foretelling the ouster of Tim Cook were written by people who can see into other realities? In other words, does mercury poisoning cause extra-dimensional perception?

Sign the online petition.

Well, don’t feel too bad, Samsung execs. Remember, Tim Cook was pilloried for lower iPhone sales growth. You guys got to go deep into negative growth before rumors started swirling you were losing your jobs.

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