Regifting: If at first your analysis doesn't succeed, try, try again


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You know that definition of “insanity” that says it’s “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”? Well, get ready for another Apple appointment with disappointment.

CNBC says “Apple products won’t have as happy a holiday: Survey” (tip o’ the antlers to @JonyIveParody)

Uh, well, that’s certainly fine except for the fact that PRODUCTS ARE INANIMATE OBJECTS THAT DO NOT EXPERIENCE HAPPINESS ON ANY LEVEL. Boom. Just destroyed your argument.

Starting to wonder if you know anything about technology at all.

Some of the shine could be coming off of Apple this holiday season.

See, it’s a pun about apples. And a joke of an excuse for analysis. It works on so many levels.

The CNBC All-America Economic Survey asked 806 respondents across the country if they plan to give or receive an Apple product for Christmas...

806 people, some of whom base their answer on their letters to Santa. Nope, nothing wrong with this sample.

...and the answer came in at 15 percent, down 3 percentage points from when we last asked the question in 2012.

3 points... of doom.

Well, so this certainly seems incontrovertibly bad for Apple. There certainly isn’t any way that...

The decline is within the survey’s 3.5 point margin of error but...

But, pff, science, amirite? [rude hand gesture]

...shows that the percentage of Americans thinking “Apple” products for the holidays is at best stagnant and, at worst, down.

Or up a little! But, you know, probably down. Let’s just say down or otherwise I’ve gotta throw this whole article out and start all over.

If that translates into broader sales growth declines, it could be trouble for a stock trading on Wall Street expectations for tens of millions of unit sales and growing market share.

We know it’s just 24 people but Apple should probably start filing the Chapter 11 papers now. They’re kind of long.

Pacific Crest analyst Andy Hargreaves recently called for investors to reduce their Apple exposure...

Ah, Andy Hargreaves. This is becoming a habit for Andy. Or a tic. The kind of tic that’s annoying to everyone around him as well as being self-destructive. Andy needs an intervention. He’s been saying exactly the same thing for almost two years. part, because he doesn’t see new user growth.

Large-screen phones are incredibly popular in Asia and Apple just introduced its own large-screen phones and has already been enjoying 50 percent growth in developing countries but LA-LA-LA ANDY HARGREAVES IS NOT LIS-TEN-ING.

“I have removed certain variables from the equation, thereby simplifying the equation and achieving the desired result. It’s called ‘science,’ kids. Look it up. Read a book.”

Before you sell the stock, however, some words of caution.

“Andy Hargreaves has been wrong about Apple for, like, forever, and this survey has a ridiculously small sample size and isn’t even trying to measure anything meaningful for Apple sales.” Good footnote. It’s not the one they used, but it’s a good footnote.

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