Did you notice that sense of relief you suddenly felt wash over you but you couldn't place? Well, that's because competition has finally come to a market that doesn't really exist yet.
The Boy Genius Report's Zach Epstein has taken time out from writing Windows 8 fan fiction to write what appears to be science fiction.
"Apple Watch finally has a worthy Android competitor, and we want one immediately" (tip o' the antlers to @JonyIveParody)
Is the Macalope having a stroke? How does a watch that isn't even out yet "finally" have a worthy competitor... in another watch that isn't out yet? Maybe it's not a stroke, maybe it's just the temporal causality loop affecting the horny one's inner ear.
But how's this for a lede?
We have never seen a worse name for a smartwatch.
Already it sounds competition-riffic. He's not wrong, though. Instead of saying "get out of that box and onto my wrist", the "LG Watch Urbane" name says "go home, product marketing team, you're drunk". Or maybe you're not drunk, you're just not very good at your job. Also possible.
More importantly, however, we have never seen a more beautiful Android Wear smartwatch...
Way to set the bar low. "IT'S MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN A THOUSAND HIDEOUS MOLE MEN!"
LG should feel free to use that in their ads if they want. No charge.
...and it looks like the soon-to-be-released Apple Watch will actually have some real competition when it launches in the coming months.
Uhhh... huh. To the Macalope's eyes, it looks fine, but not particularly remarkable. "Positively Timex-ian!" raved Big-Ass Smartphones Monthly.
Except the Timex has the virtue of not being the size of a house arrest armband. At 45.5 x 52.2 x 10.9mm the LG Watch Urbane has gone past "tuna can" and into "motor oil".
Ah, crap. "Motor oil." "Motorola." The Macalope's been missing out on a gold mine of Motorola 360 mockery. What a waste.
Despite its pedestrian looks and "that's no moon, that's a smartwatch" size, this is still The Boy Genius Report. Superlatives got superlate.
The new LG Watch Urbane features a gorgeous metal case with a design that looks more like a real luxury timepiece than anything we’ve seen to date.
Except the "gold" does not appear to be gold and the "silver" appears to be your standard brushed aluminum. If there's anything that says "Amazon Basics Watch" more than the last image in the article, the Macalope hasn't seen it. Perhaps Epstein is thrown off by the fancy dress of the models LG used. "This guy's wearing a suit! It must be a luxury timepiece!"
Look, the Macalope doesn't think the Apple Watch is the most beautiful thing since sliced bread but at least it knows what it is. The LG Watch Urbane (you have to spell the whole thing out every time because otherwise it just isn't as funny) appears to have the fit and finish of the Apple Watch Sport but is trying to be a luxury watch. And whether you like the look of it or not, the Apple Watch Edition is actually made of real gold. And will surely be priced like it's real gold. Or possibly vibranium.
We don’t have any information as far as pricing or a release date go...
In other words we know next to nothing about this diving weight, but we assume it's going to be super-awesome because why wouldn't it be? And assuming things are going to be super-awesome is just what The Boy Genius Report does.