Stick a fork in it: Why even ship the Apple Watch?


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Another year, another Apple product that comes pre-doomed for your convenience.

Still writing for the Forbes contributor network (motto: "Weak arguments made weakly. I mean 'weekly'. Or do I?"), Peter Cohan wonders aloud:

"Should Apple Scrap Its Watch?" (tip o' the antlers to @JonyIveParody)

Never before has an argument been put forth with such detail and care. Well, since John Dvorak said Apple should pull the plug on the iPhone.

Apple has been teasing the public with the prospects of selling a watch — but the Apple Watch looks poised to fall short of the profits needed to make up for the maturing of the smart phone industry on which Apple so heavily depends for its profits.

And since incremental profits are entirely useless, probably best to scrap it. When you can't make $100, what's the point of making $75? There is no point. None.

Before getting into Apple’s persistent failure to innovate under its CEO Tim Cook...

"...I've been learning the melodica and would like to perform the theme to Jurassic Park for you."

...let’s look at what ails the Apple Watch.

Sure, because we can totally do that with something that hasn't been released yet.

I have asked roughly 300 students whether they would buy the product.

What the heck does Cohan teach, anyway? Remedial Soup? Introduction to Clown Shoes? Whatever it is, it sure ain't statistics or he'd have heard of something called "selection bias." Or "representative sample". Or "your methods are making this picture of Gertrude Cox weep."

This question produces blank faces and impatience...

It may not be the question that's producing those.

"Ugh, I transfered from community college for this?"

But, of course, the students are more right than Cohan is. At this point, the value of the Apple Watch hasn't been sold to them, so what's the point in even asking the question?

Oh, fodder for your Forbes column. Right. Please continue.

...except for two students who said they would buy it because they think it’s a cool product.

So, there is some hope for the next generation, is what you're saying.

The Wall Street Journal reports that the Apple Watch will offer fewer functions than executives had promised...

The reason to drop those features is that Apple couldn’t get them to work consistently, according to the Journal.

Apple's competitors would, of course, have included those features because checking off boxes on a list is more important than shipping things that work.

This brings us to the question of what Apple will do if iPhone profits fall.

It could try innovating.

Oh, snap. You just got schooled in innovation by the guy who's been writing the same Apple doom article for two years. Sick burn, Apple.

Cohan touts the rumored Apple car as being able to make up the imagined shortfall in revenue for the company that's making more than anyone else ever.

Here's the problem with expecting every new Apple product to be an iPhone revenue replacement: The iPhone business is insanely huge. No product imaginable could hit the ground making as much money as the iPhone. The fact that Wall Street overestimated the potential bottom-line impact of the Apple Watch is Wall Street's fault, not Apple's.

Does it strike anyone else as weird and/or sad that a cartoon of a Classic Mac with antlers has to explain that to a college professor?

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