Meaningless: Words have officially lost all meaning


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Throw out your dictionaries because the first five rows may get nonsensed on this ride!

Oh, that doesn’t make any sense? Yeah, well, neither does this piece by USA Today’s Matt Krantz.

”Analyst: Apple Watch launch was ‘botched’” (tip o’ the antlers to Joe Tomasone)

Krantz might have a vested interest in seeing the Apple Watch flop, having previously predicted that the Microsoft Band would run circles around it. There’s probably some fitness pun in there but the Macalope’s brain hurts too much to think of it.

The iPad may have been a fad.

A fad that created an entire market. Not so bad as far as fads go. Apple’s sold 300 million iPads. Yes, sales are down, but some analysts seem to think that there’s still life in the tablet market.

But it’s the Apple Watch that’s looking to be the company’s second flop in a row.

Apple sold millions of Watches in the first week, probably more than all other smartwatches sold to date.

Flop. Words have no meaning anymore! Hey, why not “extinction event,” as long as we’re at it?

Citing “tepid interest,” research firm UBS Friday cut its fiscal 2016 Apple Watch shipment estimate by 23 percent, to 31 million in a note to clients.

This is the same logic the Macalope tried to gag down the other day but it kept coming up. An analyst revised his own number based on the fact that web search traffic for the Apple Watch isn’t as great as it had been for other Apple products. So a “flop” has been redefined as “not as great as some of the most successful products ever.” You can write this without exploding into a shower of insane, rainbow-colored, zombie kittens. Seems impossible, right? You say to the Macalope, “Macalope, no. There is no way a person could write that and not explode into a shower of insane, rainbow-colored, zombie kittens. Please check again. Surely you are mistaken.” But the horny one has checked with USA Today five times. Krantz is just sitting there at his desk eating a Go-Gurt.

It gets worse.

How could that be possible? This already seems like the worst thing ever.

Remember all the talk about iPhone users rushing to buy matching watches?

Nnnno? Particularly since the gold on the Watch is actual gold. But way to just make stuff up.

That’s not likely either, says UBS.

Turns out, only some iPhone owners will buy the Watch. In other words, things that were never likely are still not likely. Surely, there is no way for Apple to recover from that.

The buzz around the watch has been snuffed out by delays in shipment, and the requirement of appointments...

You will not be surprised to know that what follows is not “to try one on.” No, Krantz is happy to insinuate that one must get an appointment to buy an Apple Watch. Presumably not so with the highly popular Microsoft Band, the device that is owned and beloved by all.

...and the inability to buy the product immediately when emotions run high in the store.

I’M SO ANGRY I’D BETTER BUY A WATCH. And here the Macalope thought only the Black Widow could tame the Hulk. (Topical pop culture references!)

This is the second straight early flop for the company, following Apple Pay.

Bah whaaa?

Ninety-five percent of iPhone 6 users didn’t use Apple Pay during the critical shopping season on Black Friday last year, says Infoscout.

“I can’t believe you didn’t get my Christmas present at Walgreens!” —no one ever. Apple Pay is now accepted at a lot more retailers, but last year you were probably glad not to be opening talcum powder, a Big Mac, or a foot-long Subway sammich on Christmas morning. A recent convert is Best Buy, which had been one of the jewels in the crappy crown of Apple Pay’s supposed competitor, CurrentC. But it’s Apple Pay that’s the flop because you can literally say anything.

Seeing the watch falter is the last thing investors need...

There’s already so much reason to dump Apple’s stock!

Investors were counting on the watch flying off the shelves to give the stock momentum.

Which is probably why the company’s stock is down 17 percent since the beginning of the year. And by down the Macalope means up.

He wanted to phrase it in a way that fit with Krantz’s piece.

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