Assumption junction: Calling Apple a religion has no function


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The Macalope isn’t going to lie to you, he ran out of clever introductions for these “Apple is a religion” pieces about three years ago. Well, if he ever had any, that is.

Writing for The Guardian, John Naughton says ”If Steve Jobs’s death didn’t ruin Apple, the iCar surely will.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Christopher Cowan.)

Let’s just take the first half of that headline so we don’t rupture the hernias of our minds trying to lift so much wacko. Presumably, some believe that Steve Jobs’s death, ahem, ruined Apple. Apparently this is a thing that is debated. That Apple has been ruined or is in ruins.

Well, some people still deny humans have walked on the moon, so...

Let’s move on to the second part. Now, we know nothing of said “iCar” but one thing we know for certain... it will ruin Apple if it's not already ruined. These are facts. Like alchemy or astrology.

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Apple may or may not be making a car or just more automotive technology. Regardless, we still have to suffer these lame car puns because we live in an unjust universe with a unfortunate dearth of smiting from angry old gods wielding lightning bolts. What’s a mythical beast gotta do to get a little help from the Zeuses and Thors of the overworld? Sacrifice a goat? Because he doesn’t want to do that. Have you seen goats? They’re adorable. Keep your stupid lightning bolts, the Macalope will do this himself.

When Steve Jobs was alive it was tempting to draw analogies between Apple and a religious cult.

When Jobs was alive? Heck, John, you still do it with regularity. But, of course, it’s probably Apple’s fault for leading Naughton to temptation.

I remember once being in a British shopping arcade...


Naughton was witness to an Apple Store opening of yore, back when people waited in lines for Apple Stores to open. It is uncontrovertibly true the people don’t line up for anything other than religion so clearly Apple is a cult, Q.E.D. That being quod erat dumb in this instance.

Clearly Apple can’t be like a sports team or a band or a summer blockbuster, no, it has to be a religion otherwise the people who buy the company’s products don’t sound so much like lunatics who can easily be dismissed.

Naughton shoe-horns an elephant’s foot worth of Apple tropes into this, including the logically unbeatable “reality distortion field”, because you can’t write a piece about Apple without including that, right? It’s impossible. Illegal, even, maybe, who knows? A piece about Apple has never been written without mentioning it so it’s all theory.

I call it an iCar...

...because I’m trapped in an Apple trope factory, help!

...but the codename for the project is apparently “titan”. ... This implies that the iCar will not be just a mobile iPhone docking station, but something more substantial – hardware powered by an electric motor or two, perhaps.

As long as we’re just making crap up, the Macalope’s going to imagine it as a bright orange 1974 Chevy El Camino with black rally stripes and a horn that plays Oye Como Va. Basically, just like his current ride, because why mess with a good thing?

There must be something in the water in Silicon Valley (assuming they still have water)...

Haha! No, not really! The state’s snow pack is now at zero and the situation is being described as a “worst-case scenario”! LOL!

...which leads geeks to become obsessed with the car industry.

And there must be lead in the pipes at The Guardian that makes their writers consistently trot out the same tired Apple clichés year after year.

...the car industry, despite the blatherings of Jeremy Clarkson, is a tiresome, low-rent, low-margin, grisly business.

Like smartphones.

Well, with one exception.

...maybe it’s time to consider whether those Apple shares of yours might be approaching their peak.

“I just made up a whole bunch of crap and threw in some 15-year-old conventional wisdom about Apple. You should sell your shares.”

As the ancient Greeks knew, those whom the gods wish to destroy, they first make mad.

You know, the Macalope has no idea if Apple is making a car (neither does Naughton, of course), so he’s not really trying to defend the company’s imaginary car project because, well, he’s not a crazy person. However, he was around when Apple went into the smartphone business 8 years ago and this argument that it simply cannot be done is pretty limp lettuce, particularly when it’s drenched in enough “Apple is a cult” dressing to drown a water buffalo.

When considering what things people take “on faith”, which is more reasonable and fact-based: The idea that Apple makes good products that people enjoy using or the idea that they’re definitely without a doubt making a car and it will definitely fail?

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