Past tense: All about the Apple Watch failure

From the go-to guy for Apple failure.


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The moment you’ve been waiting for is over.

Writing for Tech-something-or-other, noted Big Mouth Billy Bass owner and president of The Hat Squad fan club, Rob Enderle, is here to tell us “Why the Apple Watch Failed” (no link, but a tip o’ the antlers to Todd Wells).

Rob is very comfortable using the past tense here as the Apple Watch has been out for two months now and has not immediately sold as many units as the iPhone. And, having previously said the Dell Streak was better than the iPad and iPhone, he knows how to pick a winner.

The Apple Watch hasn’t exactly been the success the iPod, iPhone, and  iPad initially were (though to be fair the iPhone and iPod weren’t that great the first year either)…

That’s some bar you’re setting for failure there, Rob. But at least you’re being “fair.”

…with demand matching that of the iPod's currently, and Apple apparently rushing to get a revised model out the door, things aren’t looking good for this product.

OK. OK. Oh, man. OK. Wow. We’re still in the lede and Rob has already packed in enough sleight of hand to fill an entire magic act. It’s like standing at a fold-up table three blocks from Times Square in the summer heat watching a guy yell “Watch the lady!” You’re left sweaty, confused, and frustrated. And that’s before you notice your wallet is missing.

That first link is to a report saying a Wall Street analyst says “interest” in the Apple Watch is lower than the iPod based on Google search traffic. Which is an absurd metric on its own but is not even close to “demand.”

The second link is to a report by 9to5Mac about the next Apple Watch, which notes:

While minor hardware upgrades for this holiday season have been hinted at in analyst reports over the past several months, it is most likely that Apple will wait until 2016 to release a full next-generation Apple Watch device.

Releasing a new Watch a year later is “rushing” to Rob. Presumably next year he’ll complain it’s been too long since the Watch was upgraded.

To be clear, the Macalope does not believe Enderle is an idiot. He may be an unrelenting cyborg of Apple negativity sent from a crappy parallel dimension where Dell rules supreme, but he’s not an idiot unrelenting cyborg of Apple negativity from a crappy parallel dimension where Dell rules supreme. He didn’t read these reports and think “Well, there is clearly ‘low demand’ and Apple is ‘rushing’ to get a new Watch out. Next year.” No, no, no. Rob thinks the people reading his column are idiots and won’t notice him jumping through flaming hoops like the fancy circus poodle of Apple analytical chicanery that he is.

Why wouldn’t he dissemble like this? There’s no cost to him, quite the contrary. His client list is, to a knock-off MacBook Air look-alike vendor, a list of Apple competitors. He’s also made being an anti-Apple buffoon into a cottage industry, and it still gets him quoted by major publications. That’s why the Macalope keeps pointing out his act. Not because he keeps writing for TechZone360, but because he gets called by lazy reporters looking for a “contrary” opinion.

We are literally two sentences into this piece and the Macalope can’t even go on. Look how much we’ve aged since we started reading it. You, particularly. You’ve put on weight. And those mutton chops you grew during those two sentences aren’t doing you any favors. What’s the point of going on, anyway? Rob doesn’t take this seriously, why should we?

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