What fight are you Swatching? Things the Apple Watch doesn’t really compete against.

Beware the analog watch, Apple!


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You certainly don’t have to look far for Apple Watch doom because it’s as close as your wrist. Yes, literally anything you can strap to an arm puts the Apple Watch at danger from its competition because… well, that’s just the way things work, OK?

Just ask Business Insider’s Mallory Schlossberg.

“This $150 watch is terrifying for Apple and luxury companies” (tip o’ the antlers to Carlton Swift)

Spoiler: It’s really not.

Watch out, Apple…


…a cheaper competitor is coming for you.

Oh, God, don’t do that.

Clearly Apple needs to “watch out” (watch puns!) because it has zero experience selling things in a market where other companies sell somewhat similar goods for less so this means that adjfa;difajdfkladjfklj.

And by “competitor” here Schlossberg is referring to an analog watch. Oh, yeah, are you sitting down? Because apparently there are other kinds of watches that are cheaper than the Apple Watch. No, it’s true. No one was more surprised to discover this than the Macalope. And he had worn these watches for years! He just plum forgot about their very existence and Apple Watch dooming capabilities.

In summation, the Apple Watch is doomed because of these cheaper watches that do not have any smartwatch functionality whatsoever. The End.

Sales of the Apple Watch have been disappointing…

There’s a link in there to another Business Insider piece (the Macalope will not dignify it by including it) that bases this statement on those numbers from Slice that we all had such a good laugh about. So, if you were wondering what there is that supports this contention, absolutely nothing is the answer. Thanks for asking.

…amid criticism that it’s uncomfortable, difficult to read, and too complicated to use.

The link in that quote, which is also not to be dignified, is to another Business Insider piece in which the author says he doesn’t like his Watch because it is a) uncomfortable, b) difficult to read, and finally, can anyone guess c)? If you said “complicated to use,” 50 house points to Balderdash.

And on top of that, it’s really expensive.

Compared to watches that do far less, it’s overpriced!

Look, the Macalope doesn’t think this Apple Watch customer satisfaction rating of 97 percent is necessarily unimpeachable, but at least they asked more than one person.

But, wait! What fresh hell is this?!

But now, Slate reports Swatch’s Sistem51 could potentially challenge Apple…

That’s right, this “story” isn’t even Business Insider’s. It’s Slate’s. Remember, it’s OK to completely rewrite someone else’s “thought piece” on how the Apple Watch is doomed by a freakin’ Swatch watch as long as you link to their piece.

Do not weep for tech coverage, dear readers. It is already dead.

It’s an automatic watch, and it isn’t pretentious.

It’s true! Something so garish could never be considered pretentious.

The big appeal of this watch is that it’s self-winding and, unlike the Apple Watch, doesn’t have to be plugged in every night. OK, fair advantage. However, you might think it’s at least notable that it does none of the things the Apple Watch does, like tell you the weather, track your workouts, show you your messages or any other of like a hundred different things that might be worth the $200 price difference.

You might think that because you are a reasonable human being but, needless to say, Schlossberg and Business Insider did not because there is no mention of it in this piece and they are unstoppable link-baiting cyborgs from the future sent back to steal all the links.

So, it’s not a smartwatch and it does not have luxury cachet. But it’s supposedly “terrifying” for…

You know what? The Macalope’s just going to sit here and stare at the wall for a while instead of questioning the insanity.

Mmm. Oh, yeah. That’s the stuff. That is some premium wall.

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