When you assume: The problem with saying Apple can’t do something

Making cars is basically impossible.


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Apple may or may not be doing something! You know what that means: It’s time to analyze what a disaster it’s going to be for them.

Writing for ZDNet, Larry Dignan wonders, “Apple steps up electric car efforts: Is the Apple Car chase a jump the shark moment?” (tip o’ the antlers to ghibby!).

You know, you can mock, but at the end of the day Fonzie jumped over a shark on water skis and you didn’t.

Apple is reportedly stepping up its efforts to create an electric car with a ship date of 2019.

We know next to nothing about Apple’s plans. But judging by some things we assume, we should certainly be very concerned about them.

This is how the human brain works, right? “How could humans walk on the moon? I don’t understand how. They must not really have walked on the moon, otherwise I would know how they did walk on the moon.”

With the move Apple could risk its primary advantage in the technology sector: Focus.

The Macalope thought its primary advantage was making really nice products. Huh.

The Wall Street Journal reported that Apple is about to triple its 600-person team to build a car.

Apple has a 600-person team, many of whom it poached from the car industry.

What does Apple know about cars? Not much.

Uh. Well. Don’t… the people…

Did they hire amnesiacs or…?

There are headlines you can see in one day: “Apple Poaches Car Industry Employees” and “Apple Knows Nothing About Making Cars.”

Apple’s effort to build an electric car screams of Tesla envy.

Does it? Or do they think they can do a better job? Was Apple envious of BlackBerry before it made the iPhone? Probably not.

Is Apple underestimating what it takes to build a line of premium cars? Certainly.

When we know so much about their plans, it’s very easy to draw decisive conclusions.

[Attempts to hold serious face for five seconds, fails.]

Will Apple lose focus building a car? Most likely.

On the other hand, they won’t be in the digital music player business by 2019.

I’d argue that building a car is much different than entering watches, music players, and smartphones.

The Macalope would link to that “the computer guys aren’t just going to walk in” quote but it turns out the link is actually worn out from excessive use and doesn’t work anymore. Who knew that could even happen?

…just because you can build a nice interface and integrate mobile software doesn’t mean you can build a line of automobiles.

For example, you apparently need to learn how to cover up your falsified results.

See, it’s not exactly like the auto industry is some flawless paragon of business acumen. And cars have been around for a while now. Making them isn’t really a dark, unknowable art. Tesla was founded all of 12 years ago. These companies weren’t forged in Ur at the dawn of time.

Plus, it’s not like cars need some kind of back-end web syncing or messaging service. If they did then Apple would be really out of its element.

Apparently Apple’s been at this for a bit and, if these dates are for real, has four more years to figure out the problems. It took Tesla six years to ship the Roadster so it’s not completely unreasonable. Besides, we still need to go through the “Unannounced Apple Car Delayed” phase of Apple car rumors. There is an order to these things, you know.

To make a bet on electric vehicles, Apple will need sedans, SUVs, and crossovers.

They will? Immediately? How many companies are making electric SUVs right now, or even will be by 2019?

If Apple really wants to get into the car business it should simply buy Tesla.

Tesla. Which currently makes how many models? Two.

There’s certainly no guarantee an Apple car would be a winner. But if you can’t imagine how Apple could fit into the tightly constrained box you’ve created for it, the problem might be with the box, not Apple’s ability to make a product.

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