Traffic court: Trying too hard for attention


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The Macalope’s not going to tell you his job is hard. As you might imagine, covering the “ridiculous things written about Apple” beat is, on any given day, like being hit in the face with a fire hose spraying nothing but weaponized dumb, a substance banned by numerous international treaties and, more importantly, morally wrong.

Most days all he has to do is open up his Twitter feed and pick the ripest of the fruits he’s spoon-fed by his intelligent and brutally well-dressed followers. But it’s not all cut and dried like the bales of sweet, leafy alfalfa that Amazing Al’s Alfalfa delivers to the Macalope’s woodland home every week. Some of these fruits hang too low. Many are more like tubers in that they are logically underground in an analogy where height is an indicator of sanity.

The horny one is sometimes presented with the cage linings of outfits he’s never heard before that — surprise! — have salacious things to say about Apple. It’s almost as if these outfits and their writers have figured out that they can get attention by claiming that Apple or one of its devices is doomed. If you are offended by how the Internet sausage is made, the Macalope apologizes for detailing how the rendering facility works.

Despite having been around for a while, the Macalope hasn’t heard of every site. Maybe some of these are perfectly legitimate news organizations and not the hog lip and cow snout grinding machines they appear to be. The fact that the names are often just regular words with a vowel removed doesn’t inspire confidence, though. Sure, most of the good URLs were taken years ago, but names like “Newspapr” stopped being cool when Yahoo bought Flickr and Flickr stopped being cool because we were all using Instagram. (“Insta” names aren’t that cool anymore, either.)

Besides, you can’t just keep shaving vowels off words and not expect repercussions. Some day all those vowels are going to come back. And they’re going to be pissed.

The Macalope highly values the suggestions of his readers, but it’s his job to decide where to aim the confetti cannon. You can only imagine the heavy burden his furry shoulders bear. He’s not a hero, just hero-like. Like a typing hero who complains a lot even though he mostly just sits on his butt and chews alfalfa.

Anyway, this is a long way to go to explain why he sometimes doesn’t touch certain pieces even though they seem to be asking for it and the writers even double down. It’s more of an art than a science, but if you’re an outfit the Macalope’s never heard of before talking crazy about Apple, sometimes it's better to not feed the machine.

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