Big Win: Microsoft wins again


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Once again we see that there is nothing Apple can have that Microsoft cannot take away. If you believe that Indiana Jones is a documentary.

Writing for the C.H.U.D. and Morlock TED conference that is Business Insider, Matt Weinberger claims “Microsoft just beat Apple to the punch in a big way.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Brian.)

And what is this devastating blow that will shake Cupertino to its very foundation?

Cortana, the digital personal assistant that comes with each and every copy of Windows 10, is now available for Apple iOS, Android, and Cyanogen OS devices.

Yes, the prayers of those looking to use an overly sexualized female personal assistant on iOS have finally — FINALLY — been answered.

Now, just because this was announced at Business Insider’s own conference, don’t think that Business Insider is overly hyping this. Perish the thought. They don’t need to do that when they could easily run a Pulitzer-eligible piece by Henry Blodget on how soup works or something.

“This soup I bought at Panera Bread came with its own spoon. Handy! Nothing to complain about there.” [24-page slide show of soup]

Look, you can tell this is a real blow to Apple because Yahoo (motto: “Still technically in business!”) also reported it.

“Microsoft's big blow to Apple.” (Tip o’ the antlers to @JonyIveParody.)

The company's digital personal assistant, Cortana, is now available on Apple iOS, Android, and Cyanogen OS devices while Apple’s Siri is stuck on just the iPhone and iPad.

Stuck. Sure.

One thing that is certain from all of this: Microsoft is a big winner and Apple is a big loser and Cortana will drive people in droves to switch to Windows Phone. Right?

Ha. Ha. Haaaaaaaaa.

“Cortana for iOS and Android Is Not Worth the Download”

Cortana's poor iOS integration makes it a big no for iPhone owners. That is, unless you want to have a long conversation with a sassy digital assistant, or need a comedian on standby to supply you with silly jokes.

Or you could just watch reruns of “Small Wonder”. (Disclosure: The Macalope has never seen “Small Wonder” but he assumes the robot in it is sassy and, frankly, he’s already put way more into this piece than either Business Insider or Yahoo put into theirs, so…)

The video on that Yahoo page has to be seen to be believed. It’s like listening to your Windows-using in-laws discuss Apple. (“I heard you can’t even run applications on a Mac!”) At least the conclusion they come to truly supports the headline:

Host: “Does this really give Microsoft a competitive edge over Apple, though?”

Guest: “I mean, maybe in a small way.”

If the Macalope didn’t have antlers he’d have brain damage from smacking his head against his desk three times a week.

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