Ill omens: Over-reading the iPhone tea leaves


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Much like the mystics of old, Wall Street analysts have to make do with the portents that are available to them.

Thusly, the analysts have entered the sacred cave, huffed the sacred air (5 percent oxygen, 80 percent natural gas, 15 percent bat guano), read the innards of a small beast (in this case a caddy from a Westchester country club who recommended a 9 iron in a sand trap 10 feet from the green) and the Wall Street Journal brings us their dire warnings:

“Signs Point to Underwhelming iPhone Sales for Apple, Analysts Say.” (Tip o’ the antlers to @JonyIveParody.)

Analysts say the darndest things!

Analysts are sounding a cautious note about iPhone sales, and investors are taking notice.

The alarm has gone up. The entire village of prairie dogs rises up on their hind legs in unison, scanning the horizon for danger. Suddenly they bolt for their holes and, once inside, they quickly call their brokers.

Wall Street hasn’t meaningfully made broad cuts to expectations for iPhone sales over the next several quarters just yet.

Still, it’s pretty safe to say Apple will soon be out of business.

But analysts been [sic] producing plenty of cautious-sounding missives of late.

Whoa, when did they start emphasizing the “street” part of “Wall Street Journal” so heavily?

Anyway, word up… uh, dawg.

These warnings are hard to take since they come pretty much every year around this time and every time the head trauma cases on Wall Street act like it’s the very first time ever. Is it possible that iPhone sales could actually fall next year as some of these analysts are predicting? The Macalope supposes. Heck, the law of averages says analysts will probably be right about something eventually. That’s just statistics.

Look, the Macalope doesn’t recommend buying AAPL. He doesn’t recommend buying any one stock. Diversifying is the only way to weed out the fleeting fancies of the flighty analyst set. If you owned a giant honkin’ pile of Apple shares, if you covered yourself in them every night when you went to sleep like the rich and precious prince or princess that you are, then maybe the rules of supply-chain bingo dictate you should sell a few of them based on these reports. For the rest of us, however, don’t let it rattle your chain. You’ll still be able to buy iPhones next year.

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