The anomaly: Time-traveling Apple doom


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You know that final episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation where the space anomaly travels backward in time to destroy humanity (spoiler)? That must be what Apple doom is like since we can detect it coming from devices the company hasn’t even announced yet.

Writing for the Forbes contributor network and unlicensed pet taxidermy school, Ewan Spence tells us that the “New iPhone Leak Guarantees Apple Will Disappoint You.” (No direct link but a tip o’ the antlers to @mylestaylor.)

Another day of tech news and another indication that Apple will be releasing an iPhone 6C in the first half of 2016.

We haven’t seen the device yet and all we have to go on is a blurry picture of a release date from a presentation by a Chinese carrier, but we know it’s going to suck and Apple has, once again, screwed up big time.

Spence: “Ted, I’d like to run this inflammatory analysis of a product that doesn’t exist yet. That OK with you?”

Forbes Editor: “I don’t exist, Ewan. I’m a figment of your imagination. Haven’t you noticed I never get any older?”

Spence: “Uh… so, can I run it or what?”

Forbes Editor: “[sigh] Yes.”

With the momentum behind this mythical ‘budget’ device building…

Apple rumor momentum was noted by Foucault in the 19th century as “the lamest of momentums”.

…Apple is already in a situation of ‘damned if it does, damned if it doesn’t around the release of the smaller smartphone.

You really don’t need the last seven words of that sentence. Particularly when you’re writing a piece about how a phone we haven’t seen yet is a huge disappointment.

In the best traditions, let’s start with the conclusion. Tim Cook’s Apple is going to disappoint a lot of people with the release of the presumptively titled iPhone 6C and damage Apple’s brand image.

Well. Other than that, though, how did you like the imaginary play, Mrs. Lincoln?

What if it does exist? Where does it fit into the portfolio, how much does it cost? And what does it do to the brand?


Spence correctly assumes that the device will not be a budget device, thereby setting up Apple’s Kobayashi Maru du jour.

The media, the analysts, and the consumers who are all expecting a budget device would be disappointed.

Oh, no, whatever would happen if Apple were to disappoint the media and analysts? What a world that would be. Thank god we do not live in such a world.

You know, a world in which people write about the total failure of devices that do not exist yet.

And if Apple does not release an iPhone 6C?

…there would be a huge feeling that Apple had missed an opportunity.

A third option, that Apple doesn’t give a darn what the media and analysts say and that some customers might actually like a smaller phone even if (or particularly if) it’s not a budget device, is apparently impossible and not worth considering.

In a story detailing a device that no one has seen.

Definitely not a Christmas miracle.

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