Open says me: A magic solution to Apple’s share price

Apple's stock is performing about as well as the market overall so clearly it's time to panic.


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Apple’s share price is committing the unpardonable sin of failing to do any better than the rest of the market so clearly it’s time for Apple to stop being Apple.

Look, the Macalope doesn’t make up the capricious rules that govern Wall Street, he just reports them.

Writing for the Forbes contributor network and “lightly used” pimento loaf refurbishing center, Jay Somaney says that “While Tim Cook Gloats About CIA-Like Secrecy At Apple, Shareholders Should Be Very Worried.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Grant Winkler.)

How worried? Very worried. How very worried? Extremely very worried. The Macalope doesn’t want to yell “fire” in a crowded movie house, but possibly even Code Red Phantom Viper extremely very worried. It may be that serious.

Last week in an interview with CBS, Tim Cook gloated over the CIA-like secrecy at Apple, but since that secrecy is actually working to the detriment of the share price of the company, shareholders should be very worried.

Jay, just an idea, but why don’t you just write something if there’s ever a minute you think Apple shareholders shouldn’t be worried? It’ll save us all a lot of trouble that way.

Somaney thinks the lack of details leaking out of Apple like a sieve that’s had the strainer part cut off and is actually just a ring with water running right through it is making investors nervous because it seems like Apple isn’t working on anything.

Which is a truly brilliant observation except for, well, history, which shows that the alternative is way worse. It’s pretty easy to see that when secrets flowed freely from Apple back in the 1990s, they were not doing so well. And when they were at their most secretive, the company experienced historic growth. While correlation does not mean causation, at the very least it’s reasonable to assume that there is a benefit to not telegraphing your punches to your competitors.

If you truly believe that Apple isn’t working on new products because you can’t seem them in front of your big, glassy baby eyes, then you probably shouldn’t be operating a toaster let alone buying and selling individual securities.

Really, forget the toaster, you shouldn’t even be operating toast.

“Hmm, I think I shall divest from Apple because they are clearly not working on new products and AAAGH, MY EYE, I JAMMED MY TOAST INTO IT.”

A big down day in the overall markets and Apple will see new lows not seen since October 2014 in a heart beat.

Clearly if Apple follows the rest of the market in dropping to where it was a bit over a year ago, it must abandon its policy of secrecy because banana squirrel hammock the flavor taco.

Just remember: be very worried. Can’t stress that enough. Also, long-term investing is only possible for people with the emotional stability of a Vulcan or android. If you’re not buying and selling based on the slightest emotional whim, are you even alive?

So, when Tim Cook talks about CIA-like secrecy, don’t make excuses for him. Take him to task.

Sure. He may be second only to Steve Jobs in being responsible for having created the largest and most successful technology company in the world, but if the stock dips a bit you should totally demand he throw out all the tactics he employed to get there. Because that’s just smart investing.

This kind of talk isn’t surprising coming from the guy who suggested Tim Cook was Apple’s “major problem.” At this point it’s just redundant.

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