Unmoving violation: Apple car puns run amok


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For the biggest technology company in the world with an unrivaled executive team and a metric butt-ton of cash, pundits sure do seem convinced lil’ ol’ Apple can’t do anything.

Writing for the Boston Herald, Jessica Van Sack should have her license taken away as a repeat offender.

“Apple veers out of its lane: iCar could crash and burn.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Nathan Hillery.)

The Apple iCar: For people who can’t stop saying “iWatch” and “iTouch” even though those aren’t the names of the products.

Just a trigger warning: This piece is chock full of car puns so… buckle up. (LOL. Get it?!)

The iCar may be closer to reality than anyone knew — but the road to success is paved with potholes.

The car puns write themselves! No, really! They’ve achieved sentience and are unstoppable killing machines, bent solely on the destruction of our vital brain waves! Call the National Guard!

How do we know Apple is even working on a car? Well, they registered the Apple.car and Apple.auto domain names. And it’s not like they’d just register every “Apple” domain to keep someone from making a spam or parody site or just squatting on it. Those things cost like $10 a year.

…development of a website for its long-rumored Apple-branded vehicle is likely well under way, if not nearly completed.

An “under construction’ site with a cute image of a dog with a construction helmet on sitting between some saw horses could be up any day! That’s how we know for sure the iCar is coming.

The fast-tracked development of an electric vehicle constitutes the most ambitious project to date by the most valuable company in the world.

And it’s destined to end in an unsightly wreckage.

Welp, guess that’s that. You can’t fight destiny. Just drive all the iCars into that landfill where the E.T. games are.

Apple’s top brass don’t know the first thing about entering the car industry.

And it’s not like they have any experience entering any other businesses for the first time like the music business or phone business or book sales or payments or…

It takes more than a boatload of cash and hundreds of poached automobile hires to become an automaker.

Does it? Van Sack never really mentions what else it takes. Presumably it’s some sort of magical item with plus 12 charisma that can only be obtained on a quest to the mystical land of De Troit.

This development will take time, and Apple is far too late to the game. Google had a decade long head start.

And we all own Google autonomous cars now. The End.

How long a head start did BlackBerry have before Apple utterly failed with the iPhone? Just curious.

There’s nothing about what Apple does well that lends itself to building cars. In fact, quite the opposite: Apple has always excelled more on form over function.

Uh-huh, sure. There was nothing about the iPhone user interface that brought about a revolution in smartphone functionality.

But there is no room for error when it comes to auto manufacturing.

Sure. It’s not like any cars have ever been recalled for anything.

Did you read through this article for things that were just laughably wrong after you wrote it? As a writer himself, the Macalope finds it useful to do a read-through at the end. You know, just in case he’s accidentally included some things that are verifiably, hysterically wrong. Anyway, that’s just how the Macalope does it. He’s sure you have your own process. Whatever it is. It clearly isn’t reading through it once after writing it to see if there’s anything in it that’s laughably wrong.

Otherwise the next domain it should register is something along the lines of iRecalls.com.

You literally just made a recall joke, a joke about the fact that cars do, indeed, frequently face recalls. You made a joke that puts the lie to everything you just said. You deflated the premise of your piece in order to throw in another dated reference to the fact that Apple used to start its product names with “i”. This whole piece is like an ad for slow, sarcastic golf clapping.

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