Tempest in a teapot: The iPhone 5se pre-fail


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It must be hard to be Apple and to know that no matter what you do, someone will find a way to criticize it.

The Macalope imagines all the money probably makes up for it, though.

InvestorPlace has the scoop on “The iPhone 5se: Everything That’s Wrong With Apple Inc.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Matthew Faltz.)

Everything? Even the things that contradict the other things?

Really, Tim Cook? Really?

Welcome to another episode of Great Ledes In History.

“Fo’ realz, Tim Cook?”

You have access to arguably the world’s greatest consumer technology developers and most recognizable brand name — Apple Inc. — and your next big product is revamp of the flagship iPhone you were making two generations ago?

The great thing about this article is that you can write it any time the company puts out a non-flagship product. The same article could be written about the Mac mini, the iPhone battery case, the non-Retina MacBook Pro, etc. Having non-flagship products is for losers! Also for losers is not having a wide variety of products and having products that cost too much. It’s a tricky needle to thread. Well, impossible. Let’s just be clear about that.

It’s not even a needle. It’s some kind of congealed meat product.

While it’s not the sort of “WOW” material we got under the Steve Jobs era, the iPhone 5se is rumored to offer a couple of cool upgrades. …

Still, is it time for owners of Apple stock to at least discuss the possibility that Apple is running out of ideas?

Because, as we all know, iPods and Macs only ever came in one size and with one feature set. These are facts that anyone can confirm.

The device won’t be officially unveiled until mid-March (if it’s actually unveiled then)…

Or at all, ever.

Now, beware trying to parse this logic, lest it drive you mad.

…and as is usually the case with any new or renewed Apple product, the rumors — many of them accurate — have almost told the market everything it could want to know about the impending device.

Some of these rumors may be false. However, we know everything about this new device, even if much of it is untrue.

[removes clothes, wanders into woods and is never heard from again]

More importantly, Apple tacitly acknowledges the upcoming device is not a step forward in the iPhone line.

Because they have not said that it is, you see. Because they have said nothing about this device at all.

[consumes ground glass, washes it back with motor oil]

The question everyone’s asking themselves is the right one to be asking…

Where can I get an adorable rabbit the size of a dog?

…why an iPhone 5se?

Isn’t a better question “Who gives a rip what it’s called?”

Personally, the Macalope is very interested in this device since he’s never been a fan of larger phones. Like Kirk McElhearn, he’d prefer a new 4-inch iPhone have comparable specs to its larger sibling, but even if it doesn’t quite, he’s seriously considering switching.

In many ways the mere premise and psychology of an iPhone 5se suggest Apple is running out of product ideas to sustain its once red-hot-growth.

If I keep saying the same thing over and over again, it must be true, otherwise I wouldn’t write it. QED, with jelly on it.

Despite the alarmist take on the matter, Apple isn’t doomed and Apple stock isn’t going to zero.

Well, that’s a relief.

“Despite my alarmist take, Apple will not be going out of business by broadening its iPhone offering in order to entice a certain part of the market to upgrade.” Good news. No one will be more relieved to hear it than Tim Cook.

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