Breaking up is dumb to do: Apple needs its retail operations


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You know the saying about free advice? Well, there’s free advice and then there’s advice you should have to be paid to take. Or even read. Or share the same plane of existence with.

Writing for Seeking Alpha, “Intrepid Investor” says “Like IBM, Apple Should Shrink So It Can Grow Again.” (Tip o’ the antlers to @GSStamas.)

If Apple wants to shift its focus to high-margin enterprise with IBM…

Ah, the Macalope sees the problem! No, they do not want to do that at all. They might want that as a nice side benefit of developing an incredibly profitable consumer business but, no, they do not want to switch focus to the enterprise market. Very happy to clear that up.

So, are we done here, or…?

…it should…

Guess not.

…spin off its retail operations into a new company for investors who like retail.

Should the company also spin off its iPhone operations into a new company for investors who like iPhones? Should it spin off its rechargeable battery operations into a new company for investors who like rechargeable batteries? Should it spin off Bob Mansfield into a new company for investors who li-HA, THAT’S A TRICK QUESTION, EVERYONE LIKES BOB MANSFIELD.

I may be wrong…

You are like a supernova of exploding wrongness. You are a danger to nearby solar systems.

If Apple spins off its retail operations, then they become independent stores that don’t serve the specialized purpose of delivering Apple products. The Macalope remembers when Apple had to try to get shelf space at CompUSA and whatever the other one was called. It was gross. Think about what that was like the next time you have to wait for your Genius bar appointment but, please, do not hug the Genius when it’s your turn, even if you feel moved to. It sickens them.

You know, while they’re going about spinning off their retail business, Apple should probably get out of the hardware business and just sell software since hardware is a commodity business anyway and how is the Macalope not exploding right now from the deadly buildup of sarcasm particles he’s creating within his body? It’s way more than the FDA recommends!

Since I have a strong preference for tech over retail investments, I will wait for Apple to get further along in what I believe will be a transition away from retail.

You mean a transition away from selling and supporting its products? Sure, sure, you keep waiting for that.

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