Legends of Next Week: Reviewing iPhones that don’t exist yet


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The Macalope doesn’t want to say you have to have seen the movie Primer in order to understand the complex time-travel related series of events that have brought us to the point where someone can criticize the features of a phone that doesn’t exist yet, but we will be delving into some deep…

Wait, it’s not Primer. It’s Time Cop. Sorry. The Macalope’s mistake. He got the scale all wrong. Spreadsheet error.

Writing for The Motley Fool, Ashraf Eassa tells us the time-twisting tale of “Why the Apple Inc. iPhone SE Should Have Had 3D Touch.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Kevin van Haaren.)

Should… have… had? Did the Macalope sleep through an Apple event or have we simply given up on trying to use the correct English verb tenses?

“You know what? Pluperfect, past perfect conditional… these tenses can bite me.”

The Macalope knows we live in an age when words sometimes mean the opposite but he’s still pretty adamant that we respect the linear nature of time. The horny one’s not sure what the implications of not respecting it are but they seem like they might be dire.

Eassa notes that the rumored iPhone SE is rumored to not include 3D Touch because of cost, margins and wanting to be able to up-sell to the iPhone 6s (other reasons could include battery life and component availability).

Still, he wants it to have 3D Touch.

Although I understand Apple's reasoning, and it probably makes sense from a near-term financial and business perspective, I still believe that Apple should have endowed the SE with 3D Touch.

He does not care how, he wants it now. Even though the phone isn’t out yet.

However, in order for 3D Touch to truly be a game-changing feature -- one that drives customers to want to upgrade to newer iPhones -- it's going to need to see very widespread and meaningful adoption by major software developers.

The thing is, you can write a perfectly reasonable piece about how Apple chose not to include 3D Touch and how that might slow adoption of the technology without trying to make product decisions for a company that, let’s face it, probably makes better product decisions than you do since you don’t even understand how time works.

Now, to be fair, 3D-touch enabled devices are already out there in the tens of millions…

Why is it people who write about Apple only think to be fair about half way through a piece? Seems like if you’d think to be fair sooner, we’d avoid a lot of jerktastic time-traveling headlines.

In fact, I think that's the main problem that I have with the upcoming iPhone SE. If the device doesn't have a "trick" or an interesting selling point beyond the fact that it's smaller and a bit cheaper than the iPhone 6s, then I don't see it as a device that can help Apple gain all that much share.

It’s not about gaining market share. Things are rarely about gaining market share for Apple. Apple sees a glut of people with older, smaller iPhones and wants to give them a reason to upgrade.

Personally, the Macalope is just eager to have a smaller iPhone again. For him, a smaller screen is a feature and he’s willing to give up 3D Touch to get it if that’s what it takes.

Regardless, the dang thing isn’t even a thing yet. Try to remember that for a few more days.

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