Do-nothings: Apple needs to ship more hot garbage


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Would you be surprised to learn that Apple hasn’t innovated in almost a decade? You would. You probably wouldn’t be surprised to learn that someone is saying they haven’t, though.

Writing for the Washington Post, Vivek Wadhwa tells us all about “Why I’m skeptical about Apple’s future.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Philip Speicher.)

It probably doesn’t hurt that it’s sure-fire clickbait designed to get you invited to conferences and on TV and stuff. Probably.

When last we saw Wadhwa, he was telling us how awesome Windows 10 is because CEOs at a Microsoft event said it was. The time before that he was mansplaining women to actual women. This time he’s got a virtual reality bee in his bonnet. Which may or may not also be virtual reality.

Facebook is set to release its virtual reality headset, Oculus, next week. It will be big and clunky, expensive, and cause nausea and other problems for its users.

Sounds awesome. Where does the Macalope sign up to pay $600 for these so-called vomit goggles?

This is the way innovation happens now.

Yes, it’s messy. Particularly with all the vomiting. But there is literally no other way than treating customers like lab rats.

You release a basic product and let the market tell you how to make it better.

That’s one way to do it, particularly if you want to end up with the Homer. Or Linux. There is another way, though, and that is by employing people with good taste and having them figure out the best way to make a product. That’s largely how Apple operates. Admittedly, the Apple Watch may not be the best example of this, but it’s still a singular vision and has a commanding lead in its market. And if it’s flawed, its less-than-fully-baked-goodness runs counter to Wadhwa’s theory that Apple never releases 1.0 products that are a few decimals short of an integer.

Apple hasn’t figured this out yet.

Uh, no, that’s just not how Apple generally likes to do things. It’s not that complicated. It’s the rocket blowing up on the launch pad of rocket science.

Consider that its last major innovation — the iPhone — was released in June 2007.

[The Macalope’s eyes unfocus. His jaw slackens. He stares at nothing for hours. Friends come and go throughout the day. “Please come back to us,” they beg. But he is unable. His mind is far afield, looking for answers. But there are none to be found.]

If that’s the standard for a “major invention” — a device that created the most important industry of the last 10 years — has any other technology company had any “major inventions” in the last 20?

Since then, it has been tweaking its componentry

Hey, bro-derbund, if we’re going to call the iPad and the Mac Pro and the iPad Air and HealthKit and CareKit and the Apple Watch and everything else Apple’s done since 2007 just “tweaks” then you might as well go ahead and call the iPhone one as well since it runs on OS X. Everything since the dawn of time is just a tweak!

That’s some premium monolithic thinking.

By now, Apple should have released some of the products that we heard rumors about: TV sets, virtual reality headsets, and cars.

Its competitors release half-baked pieces of crap. Why won’t Apple?

It’s baffling!

It should be doing what Facebook is in getting new products out and letting the market judge them.

How many different ways can you say the same thing? And still be wrong?

A lot, it turns out. It’s like someone opened a fire plug of wrong on a hot summer day in New York City. KIDS, DON’T PLAY IN THA-OH, GOD.

Instead of innovating, Apple has been launching frivolous lawsuits against competitors such as Samsung.

And defending the privacy and security of everyone from the FBI. Dumb! If Apple hasn’t innovated since 2007 then what has Samsung been copying all this time?

Apple is almost assuredly working on virtual reality technology. Heck, it’s been in the game a lot longer than these other companies. Just because you can’t see them grinding up animal lips doesn’t mean you’re not going to be enjoying some sausage in a while.

Take heart, dear readers. After criticism, Wadhwa stopped talking about women in tech. So, there’s a chance we can get him to stop talking about tech all together.

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