Unspecified results: Threatening Apple with… something


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And now, ladies and gentlemen, Macalope Productions brings you yet another production of Unclear Consequences Theater!

Writing for The Verge, Walt Mossberg says “The iPhone 7 had better be spectacular.” (Tip o’ the antlers to @JonyIveParody.)

Had it better be? Or else… what, exactly? The “Apple must” game is one pundits have been playing for a long time and somehow the company still manages to stay in business. Quantum theorists are at a loss to explain it.

One day this fall, if things occur as usual, Apple will stage a big event to introduce the next flagship iPhone. And, based on the events of this month, that smartphone better be great.

Now it’s “great” instead of “spectacular”. Are “spectacular” and “great” the same thing? Seems to the Macalope like “great” is the kind of thing you say when the bagger at Safeway says they’re all out of paper, how’s plastic, while “spectacular” is more how you describe that sexual experience you had in Prince’s tour van in 1992.

Don’t get me wrong…

We’re trying, Walt, it’s just a little hard when you move the goal posts in between the headline and the lede.

I stand by my view that the premium iPhone 6S and 6S Plus are the best smartphones on the market.

So, Apple introduced the best smartphones on the market only last fall but these new devices are so derivative that Apple is suddenly in a hole so deep that only a team of strategically attached adorable rocket squirrels can get it out.

But the top-of-the-line iPhones were challenged impressively just two weeks ago by rival Samsung’s beautiful, carefully engineered new Galaxy S7 phones.

If the smartphone category is to take a leap forward, and the iPhone is to maintain its ever-thinning lead as the best smartphone you can buy, Apple needs to impress big time in the fall.

Apple must have a varied lineup of products or it will be doomed but it’s not allowed to introduce a varied lineup of products, they must simply appear on store shelves and never be spoken of lest some of them reveal that they are not completely original. That’s perfectly reasonable.

Oh, and at the same time, people are making fun of Apple’s lineup being varied which is a clear violation of how Steve Jobs simplified Apple’s product lineup when he returned to the company and we can’t have that even though now is not 1997. You see, each device should be very different and original but not have its own square in the product matrix. Basically the company’s product matrix must look like an Escher drawing, folding back on itself into a perfectly understandable tesseract, or Apple will fail.

Mossberg then goes on to detail his wish list for the next iPhone, which is all basically fine, but many of them are probably not going to happen.

Your wish list may differ from mine. But I’m convinced that, for all its success, Apple needs to up its game as the premium smartphone market matures and rivals get better.

Again, or what? Mossberg himself says that the phones Apple introduced in the fall are better than the phones Samsung just introduced. Why isn’t it Samsung that needs to “up its game”?

Because Apple, Apple, Apple. That’s why.

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