Jumping the gun: Rumors are not plans


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The English language is not a fixed structure. Certainly over time the meanings of words and their use can change. We’re still not to the point, however, where this is OK.

Writing for Marie Claire, Ciara Sheppard explains “Why we're a little pissed off about the new iPhone 7 plans.” (Tip o’ the antlers to SamT.)

Plans? Plans have been released? Now, the Macalope does not have time to read every article about Apple, but he’s pretty sure if the company had released “iPhone 7 plans” he would have heard about it.

No, what you mean is rumors. You’re “pissed off” about rumors.

Kind of makes it sound a little silly now, doesn’t it.

Well, hang on. Stuff’s about to get sillier.

We're not too pleased about the blueprints for the new iPhone 7…

Blueprints, even. Who knew Marie Claire had moles inside Apple?

Attention, Apple security. Look for statuesque models dressed in the latest fashions from Milan hiding behind potted plants.

No one suspects the statuesque models dressed in the latest fashions from Milan.

(Is Milan actually a place where fashions come from? The Macalope really has no idea. He’s had this same suit forever.)

…which plan to get rid of our beloved home button. Why'd you go and do that, Apple?

They have not, in fact, gone and done anything, inasmuch as the iPhone 7 has not been released yet.

Now, of course, when it’s released in the fall, it might not have a home button or a headphone jack or a screen or even physical form. (“The iPhone 7 is the first phone that’s a concept, and we think you’re going to love it.”) But right now, we simply do not know. Thus is the linear nature of time in the universe in which we live.

The technology giants are also planning on ousting the headphone jack in favour of wireless listening.

This is all getting a bit much for us.

If your case of the vapors last more than four hours, please seek medical attention. Or just get a grip already. The thing is, there could be many very real benefits to having an iPhone without a home button, benefits that the rumors don’t report. But, please, go head and wear out your fainting couch over some rumors.

The guys over at Forbes have made a prediction on how the new and improved home button will work…

The lever will depress the wangdoodler and a system of pulleys will initiate a… well, it’s really just a tiny Rube-Goldberg machine that culminates in a little bowling ball knocking data into a memory register. That’s just our speculation based on some sciencey stuff we read in a pamphlet.

Actually, this says “Scientology”. Still… science.

If it ain't broke, don't fix it, we say.

We believe we are quoting both Edison and Tesla when we say “Leave well enough alone!” Don’t tamper with dark forces you don’t understand! If the Wind God had wanted us to live outside this cave, why would he make it so darned windy out there?!

Here's just a few reasons why we love the home button:

- It's [sic] smooth surface and slight indentation pleases us greatly.

Wow. Oookay, rather than detail Marie Claire’s list of reasons progress is literally ruining everything, the Macalope is just going to quietly print this article out so he can put it through the shredder and then point you instead to a piece by Mark Hibben at Seeking Alpha on why it’s premature to take iPhone 7 rumors at face value.

Although, it’s kind of in the name “rumors”, innit?

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