Chump change: Throwing Apple’s money around


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It’s great that we have the Internet so that people have a place to post their ways for Apple to spend a metric butt-ton of money to solve other peoples’ problems.

Writing for the html version of circus poodles jumping through little hoops that is Business Insider, Matthew DeBord modestly suggests “Apple should buy Uber.” (Tip o’ the antlers to @JonyIveParody.)

Why not? How much could it be?

Conservatively, Uber's acquisition value would be something like $80 billion.

So, because it’s so reasonable, Apple should definitely not think twice about this and just go ahead and take the advice of a guy who said the iPhone 5 would fail and then said no, seriously, the iPhone 5 is really gonna fail. Why? Because…

Apple is way behind on transforming transportation

That’s like number one on their mission statement!

It’s not? Huh. Well, still. It’s a thing a company could want to do.

Maybe Apple is building a car; maybe it isn't. But Apple is definitely doing something on the mobility front.

ANALYSIS. Now, please spend $80 billion.

Apple also lags behind Google on the self-driving front.

Apple has yet to sell even one self-driving car! While Google has sold, uh, well, also none.

Apple just invested $1 billion in a Chinese competitor to Uber, Didi Chuxing, so the company is clearly interested in getting in on this action.

Having just spent $1 billion on one competitor, why not drop $80 billion on another one? Why not just do random things? Why not make meaningless and empty gestures that validate the nihilism you’ve spent so long nurturing inside you like the Neko Atsumi of your soul?

Is Uber in trouble?

Not all signs are good.


Apple could become a Silicon Valley hero by making the Uber unicorn problem go away.

Oh, so it’s a charitable donation, then! Why didn’t you say that up front?

If [Uber] survives, it could change everything. So Apple could buy that. Or it could fritter away its cash with smaller acquisitions here and there, or it could seek another moonshot product.

What’ll it be, Apple? Moonshot or crapshoot?

Or continued strategic purchases for far less. Also an option. Rarely gets discussed but still technically on the table.

Pundits, it’s cute how you care. But the Macalope’s pretty sure they can find better things to do with $80 billion than possibly maybe fix Uber.

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